there is no title for this entry.

I have no idea of how to define what I may or may not say right now, so I'm not even going to set out any preconceived structure with a title. it has none. stream of consciousness, here goes.

after a frustrating morning of wanting to write but not being able to (it's not like I'm trying to do anything creative here, so why the full exploitation of avoidance tactics?), I actually spent time putting myself together in order to escape the 'I'm-nothing-but-a-person-attached-to-a-computer' feeling that had been dragging me down since wednesday night. had a lovely coffee with flora (so good to have her back from budapest) and did a bit of nothing before meeting amy for a longer night than I had expected. it was what I needed. dinner, wine, and this really f*ed show called 'tropicana,' which was set in an old part of the underground system and involved showgirls, a pineapple, a faux autopsy, some mad scientists, and cucumber/butter sandwiches during the reception/interval. thank god that stella was available from the hearst; the edge of not understanding any of the the symbols (I assume that the piece was symbolic of something(s)) was relieved just a bit. we then had wine with italian friends and, after some other bits and bobs, ended up paying 20p to use the toilet in burger king (ie stainless steel heaven) and getting ice cream cones from mcdonalds. (my first time in a mcdo since leaving the states in september.)

now I'd like to be sitting here working on my brit imperialism as a civilizing mission paper, but that is not going to happen as this place is manic with people scurrying about finishing papers. without a pc in sight, I'm going to have to go back to the flat, grab amy's laptop, and find some space where I can actually write.

in addition, I'm making a pledge to myself to stop doing certain things that I know that I shouldn't. what good are these actions to me? they're not. and damn it, I'm not about to put myself into any toxic mindframe on my own.

all right homies, I've got to get out of new cross. the oval and hopes of productivity call. thank god I enjoy academia on some level. otherwise, this would be torturous.

ps to my vassar folk: happy founder's day weekend! (it will be my first absence since 1999. sad day!)

if I don't move back to chicago, blame kat.

and yes, kat, not kathryn. (wafia members understand the difference between the two.) after reading her blog (welcome back to blogspot cherie!), I thought, 'oh, how interesting. a city quiz.' while the last question totally changes the percentage (ie putting the midwest as a region that I wanted to live in made chicago number two, rather than number five), the results serve as an insignificant reminder (I'm not going to off and move to d.c. 'because the quiz said so.') that there are other places in the world for me to live. ah, thinking of post-london life.

Which American Cities Best Fit You?

American Cities That Best Fit You:
75% Washington, DC
70% New York City
70% Philadelphia
65% Boston
65% Chicago

um...

I love my friends. honestly, I do. something about the mails that I've gotten today and in the past few days has re-reminded me that I absolutely, 100 percent adore the people in my life. kingsley, vassar, chicago, london...I love them all! it's such a wonderful feeling to come into my own again and re-realize that I have some wonderful people surrounding me.

if you're one of these people, I hope you have the same warm fuzzy feeling that I have right now. truly wonderful. friend high definitely makes paper writing marathon much easier to get through.

babyriffic

as I don't have the time to actually post the photo myself, here's the link to a photo of my niece, iza. (that's what I have decided to call her.) isn't she adorable and photogenic?

http://www.floydvalleyhospital.org/new_arrivals/2005/IzabelleLenora.htm

back to the world of british imperialism. good thing it's raining and I don't have the distraction of sunshine.

the problem with windows

the problem with windows (the operating system, not the holes in the wall that allow light in) is that it is visually based. granted, humans are visual animals and, typically, this is not a problem when it comes to using a computer, specifically my handy, dandy, trust gateway laptop (aka homi bhabha) that I have had for 5.5 years. last night though, the visual thing kind of kicked me in the pants...er, skirt, rather.

while the hard drive is still functioning, the screen, though it illuminates, is most definitely not. it's either illuminated black with a sliver of white at the top or half black/half grey (vertically striped, of course) and once changed to half black/half pink.

now, I realize that there are more pressing things in my life and that this is insignificant. but lately, I have had a couple of technical issues (damn reliance on technology) and am feeling all of the good work productivity karma slip away. I accomplished so much yesterday! while laying awake at 6am (I know, I'm all of the sudden I'm a morningesque person), I tried to troubleshoot the problem. I got the bright idea to try and pull the document that I started yesterday off of the computer, using the run command to get into the file. I went through all of this and realized, ah yes, I can't transfer the file to a disk because after the shortcut key for 'save as,' the selection process is visual. ack!

so here I am, at gsmiths, attempting to get into the work groove again; finish the genocide paper early this afternoon and then move onto the paper that I was writing yesterday. I have emailed a local computer guy with hopes that he can fix ol' homi, but am trying to face the reality that I will have to spend the next month locked in goldsmiths to write anything. but, during my slow morning jog that I thought would help ease my repressed anxiety, I thought of writing my dissertation this summer, which led me to thinking if I can afford to buy a new computer ahead of schedule, which led me to thinking of money. yes, slippery slope thinking.

now, with less than a month to write three more papers, I am going to try and right this ship (god, what an awful cliche phrase) and get back on course. (another bad cliche) this may require severe doses of coffee and chocolate, neither which are allowed in the library. brillant. if anyone has any advice or even words of encouragement, I could definitely use them right now. (and yes, soon I will not be so dramatic about this. I just need to be right now.) oy, technology.

googlism madness

upon reading my friend paul's blog (shoutout to china!), I googlismed my name. (see googlism.com for similar fun.)

jennifer petersen came up with little funny things. randomly, I typed in 'marci standefer.' (marc, I really do need to know the new name sooner than later.) unfortunately, google doesn't know enough about marci standefer yet. (indeed, google is missing out.) then, to my big little sister, jessica petersen. only one entry came up, but it was so f*n funny that I had to write this post.

Googlism for: jessica petersen

jessica petersen is the hottest chica alive

now I ask the all imposing question: who does my sister know at google?

ah, just what I needed before returning to paper research.

loves to all from the older sister of 'the hottest chica alive.' word. *see below for jennifer googlism. how did they know that I'm from iowa?*

http://www.googlism.com/index.htm?ism=jennifer&type=1

an auntie again!

my first neice was born yesterday at 6:03 am. miss izabelle lenora may is 19" long and weighs six pounds. (the only reason I relay these stats is show that she's in good health; that's why they are reported in the first place, right?)

so, auntie again. I'm itching to get home and see the babies and remind them who I am!

three things...

two articles and a short bit before taking on the big, bad paper monster (hey, I have to have something to visualize to kick these papers in the head). the articles, well, they are on subjects near and dear: coffee & running. two things which I'll be kind of combining tomorrow when I watch (watch???) the london marathon.

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/16/national/16coffee.html?8hpib

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/14/health/14water.html?ex=1114315200&en=fbe5949fbc39247f&ei=5070

the third is about my friend george, who is having some long distance relationship woes with his girlfriend. she wants him to return to beijing asap; he can't as dissertations aren't due until september. listening to george and trying to give whatever insight I can reminds me that no, long distance is not easy and yes, it is definitely painful, even with all of the love that goes into it. I'm hoping that she will talk to him soon (she hasn't picked up his phone calls for two weeks now) so that they can actually talk about whatever it is that is going on between them. either way, it's hard on both of them, I'm sure, but seeing the george end of things forces me to think of my experience with this type of situation. there is much that could be said, but I don't think that it's all sorted. the gist of it is that I'm pulling for george and melanie, despite it all.

now, back to the papers. loves from london.

I AM THE LUCKIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD!

because I rarely use all caps (and when I do it's only for emphasis), you know that this MUST be big.

after finishing the rough draft of my genocide paper (still some tying together of different bits of the thoughts, but they are mostly there), I ran a couple of errands and came back to the library. went to the glastonbury festival site to check on train transportation, as tara reminded me to do so asap, and voila! the lineup has been released! people, I'm so pumped that I'm bursting at the seams. seriously, it's unbelieveable. I'll get to see rilo kiley, garbage, bright eyes, femi kuti, new order, athlete, kasabian, and about eight bagillion other artists that I dig. how great is that???

this is just the kind of motivation that I need to get me through the next couple of weeks of papers. and it's just the thing to re-remind me that I am lucky in many other ways too...

if you want to be UBER jealous of me, go to http://www.glastonburyfestivals.co.uk/performance/index.asp?id=196.
(note: marci, you're probably thanking your lucky stars that you aren't going. but look, there are people there that you even know and like. don't you worry; I'll bring you something from the festival.)

in the midst of paper writing...

are you surprised?

anyway, my paper writing is not the point. what is is this bit of an article that I'm using in my paper.

'the limits of the imagination of a human evil are those of society, which allows what can still be conceived of by the imagination as human evil to become a real hell.'

now, back to the paper. (oh, what a glorious life I lead.)

the man date

during the time that I allot myself before paper writing (checking email, reading news, catching up on friends' blogs, et cetera), I came across this article on nyt online. as I blog, the article is the second most emailed article and I'm not surprised in the slightest. (I am a bit surprised that the most emailed article is about the labeling of farm bred salmon as wild. new yorkers do love their fish, but still...)

I've never thought much about straight male interaction; I guess I've not really had much reason to do so. I think that I might have much to say on this topic, but I'm going to let it roll around in my head a bit and post about it later. now, I've got to get to the paper.

have a read and enjoy. let me know what you think. (marci, I know you'll have something to say.)

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/10/fashion/10date.html?oref=login

the superstar of the day is...audrey kesselring!

HUGE props to auds for pulling some strings and getting me a copy of 'sometimes in april.' I'm so appreciative audrey love...thank you!

ps many thanks to everyone else who tried to get the film for me as well!

true?

I don't know if this is true, both universally and personally, but I'm loving thinking about it right now. (that is, in the back of my mind. the front of my mind is occupied with genocide, comme toujours.)

The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule.
- H. L. Mencken

it's no coincidence

paper
procrastinate

do you see what I'm getting at?

I've had mental anxiety (and really, I'm still suffering from it) over my papers for the last week or so. this was only amplified yesterday when my prof changed one of my paper topics. but here I am, at gsmiths, writing, to some extent. but really, I've checked my email today more than I have in the last two weeks. I'm listening to new albums (new order, feeder, garbage, kasabian, with more to come), checking into nytimes. hell, I even read the trib's article on illinois's loss last night. um, what?

so, in an effort to cancel out the 'p' of procrastination, I'm doing this last bit (blogging), which would have been done at some point during this process. and now, now I'm going to work on my fantastic genocide film paper. *yes marci, I'm taking that mental kick in the ass quite hard.*

hope all is well with everyone and that you aren't procrastinating nearly as much as I have been. (note the past tense) loves to all.

gorgeous

lately, I've heard this word quite often from different people and in different contexts. but today, it is most fitting. london is BEAUTIFUL today; really, quite magnificent. (I love it when weather people are wrong about the future-looking forecasts.) it's sunny and warm; ah, lovely. today will be even more gorgeous once I have found the self-control to stay in the library and get a substantial amount reading done for one of my papers. if spring continues as it is, I have no idea of how I'll actually get these papers and whatnot done...hence the testing of will today.

aside from the weather (am I turning into some completely boring person? all I write about anymore is the weather!), all is well here. tara, damon, and I rose early this morning (especially early for me, considering harry and I were out in notting hill the night before and it took me ages to get home!) and, after nearly a hour of refreshing numerous website windows and ringing an engaged number, we have tickets to the glastonbury festival! mind you, I haven't spent this much money in one go (not counting rent) since buying my flight to chicago, but the money will be well worth it. I mean, who doesn't want to camp out for three days, see some incredible shows, and be out in the country? it's going to be quite fabulous...and perhaps a good source of motivation in dissertation work (once that time comes.)

also in the works are plans to go to the coast for a weekend (post-papers and exams, of course) and thoughts of jennie coming towards the end of july. thinking that far ahead already has me thinking of my time here and how quickly it has gone/is going. yikes...can't even get into that mind spin right now. just wanted to send along an update. hope that this finds you all well. love to all. (and lots of spring sunshine too!)