the most recent grand happening was my trip to madison. at least, that's what was billed to be. not that the city/university/people disappointed. but already, I'm ahead of myself.
as some of you know, it has been difficult for me to actually talk about my beginning studying at madison come autumn. part of this is rooted in the underlying current of uncertainity in my ability to actually pull off what I have talked about for so long: to study for my doctorate, to make some 'original' contribution to whatever field of scholarship, to actually do something in teaching/academia/the world that matters. it's a scary thing to be offered the opportunity to do the only thing that you really want. it's also a scary thing to think that, yet again, I will move to another 'city' (I've yet to convince myself that madison is in fact a city, though there are over 200,000 there) and again put distance between me and my people of chicago. this is specifically potent with my relationship with m, as is to be somewhat expected from my last experience in moving away and having some romantic interest here. but again, I am ahead of myself. I know not yet what the next five months holds for either of us; I could very well be fretting over something that will not happen. but nevertheless, my scars from the past are there to remind me and, sometimes uninvitingly, guide me in my actions of today. gross.
all in all, the actual being in madison was good in its reality. I met some cool grad students, two who I may be living with despite my original thought of living on my own. the professors who are most closely related to the work that I want to do seem to be excited about my presence in the department. the man who will likely be my advisor (
scott straus) does some incredible work closely in line what I want to do; he was greatly encouraging in the logistics of the program: that it can be done in six years (seven is the norm for comparativists), that madison is a great city, that the first year is going to be hard. that's what I need to hear. while the weekend was somewhat tiring, the only thing that really got under my skin was the automatic labeling of who I was by so many of my fellow prospective students. I fully understand that making these distinctions of our scholarship interests lends some degree of understanding a person. it just felt quite off putting to be labeled a 'comparativist' and then dismissed as nothing more. (again, only by some people.) in some ways I understand it, but mostly, I wanted to shake these individuals and say, 'I'm so much more than that.'
so, that's that. all else continues on. temping today was the worst experience thus far in being a dispensable employee. honestly, I did 45 minutes of work. I was given poor information packets, which didn't have the minimal directions of how to transfer calls, and, therefore, have one attorney who doesn't like me. and no one really spoke to me. do people actually live these lives? josh is in chicago for the next 10 days or so before moving to buenos aries. it will be lovely to see him and actually spend some time with him, as it has been so long. seder at the dankoffs is next wednesday and I am quite excited. josi and I are hosting an alternative-to-easter brunch next sunday, at which I will introduce pimm's and lemonade to many a pallete. (yum!) and then grammy comes in the following weekend. hoorah! spring will hopefully come into full swing and, with it, perhaps a better sense of what this life in transition feels like for me.
