back.

*sigh*
I'm back to chicago. I'm nearly back to a very familiar life. familiar in the environmental sense, not in the I'm going back to an 'old' life sense. I return to some very familiar settings, to some places from which I draw comfort and other from which I draw energy but now as a different person. not fundamentally different, but expanded, stretched, and with even greater expectations. in thinking of my return I have had thoughts of doubt and moments of hesitation, worrying that I'll only become stagnant in returning to this place. but that is not something that will happen as I am not that sort of person. so, with a spark of excitement, here I am. back.

resonating dreams

is or is it not bizarre how a dream can resonate throughout your morning? (or day, I suppose. I'm only most of the way through the morning bit of it though.) the dream that I had affected me so. I could barely get through my bowl of grape nuts (note to int'l friends, very very very borning cereal. think of my great love for ryvita and crumble it up. that's my brekky.) and the comics. eee gads. perhaps the resonating with cease a bit as I go back to writing the poorest draft of any dissertation ever. and I mean ever.

$10

many of you have just received an email regarding this, but for those of you who I missed, read on.

in six weeks I will run the Chicago Marathon as the culimination of my fundraising efforts to raise $1,000 for the AIDS Foundation of Chicago. thus far, I have raised over $600. however, if I don't meet my fundraising minimum in the next few days, I may not be able to run the marathon! this would only disappoint me, not only because I wouldn't be running a race that I have been training for since april, but because I wouldn't be living up to my commitment to the AFC. as I have raised over $4,600 in the last two years for AFC, not being able to encourage enough people to generously give what they can this year would be a huge disappointment.

so, if you are reading this and you haven't yet donated to my fundraising cause and would like to, please follow the link below. (note: donations have to be drawn from u.s. federal reserve banks so, friends in london and elsewhere, I'm afraid that I can only use your non-financial support on this one!)

thank you again to you all who continually encourage and support me throughout this process.

http://aidsmarathon.com/participant.asp?runner=CH-1776&EventCode=CH05

ohmygod!!!

I never use three exclamation points and I mean 'never.' okay, I'll change that to an 'extremely rarely,' as I only use them when something huge happens. well folks, this is huge...

I write to you from my shiny new laptop via a wireless connection...IN THE KINGSLEY PUBLIC LIBRARY! I'd blather on longer about this, but I have to rush off to an eye doctor appointment. needless to say, this is huge! I am not from the middle of nowhere!

beck, beck, beck

if this man wasn't such a crazy scientologist, I would seriously consider setting out on a quest to marry him. but the scientology bit is a deal breaker, so alas, alas, I'll just admire from afar. why the great fondness for the man in so. cal? laps 60 - 80, that's what. yes people, I actually ran my 23 mile training run yesterday on kingsley's new track, which meant that I circled the damn (american) football field 92 times. am I mental? well, obviously, I am training for my third 'thon, after all. but also it was the only real way that I could assure that I would always have water and much needed luna bars and pretzels when needed, thanks to jessica. while I detested running in a circle when I was younger and the last 20 laps were nearly lethal, I was most amazed by the changing colours of the sky with the sun rising earlier in my run. there is so much space for the sky here. and with that one statement, I situate myself in the city person category, similar to my experience in michigan with j.tyma & family three summers ago.

eee gads

I have been in the fair village of kingsley for ten days and I've yet to write one smidgen about my reaction to being home/further reactions about being in the states. something is amiss. that something is my dissertation, but I'll go into that in a bit.

my most significant, though hardly insightful, observation about being home: it is both weird and comfortable at the same time. not that I haven't had this sensation in previous trips home from the vass or chicago, but after this year and not being back to k-town, as my hometown is commonly referred to by persons of the high school age, for a year and a half, the distance between the life I once lived here and my life as it currently is greater than before. despite this distance and the drama that my family seems to generate, it is good to feel (somewhat) at home in a space.

one poignant moment this past weekend highlighted just how little I reference myself back to my growing up in kingsley. during several conversations with different classmates, the "I haven't seen you since high school" comment was made. granted, this was only seven years ago, but I haven't thought of my life in such terms in such a long time that it kind of struck me. people that I grew up with still are marking their lives (to some extent) by the time that has passed since high school. bizarre.

this past saturday was augustfest, kingsley's summer festival. jessica and I both had fond memories of previous augustfests and were pumped to be back for the 'big' celebration. such enthusiasm amplified the shock that we both had when we realized just how small augustfest is. additionally, I was continuously amazed by things about our downtown: just how close it is to our house (in comparison to my sisters and I moaning about not getting driven downtown when we were younger); the trash cans attached to the lampposts; how few people there are in our town, though there seem to be so many houses, et cetera. the parade of augustfest garnered some classic photos, several which will be posted upon my return to chicago. after the pork burger dinner in the park (sponsored by the community club) and hanging out a bit with annie and carina, jessica and I went to the street dance. the events of this evening definitely garner an 'eee gads.' in some ways, it was a good thing for jess and I to get out of dodge and see our itty bitty sisters in minnesota for the next two days. but all in all, augustfest was the perfect amount of kingsley in one dose.

so now I'm sitting about kingsley trying to balance dissertating and family time. family time, against my best intentions, definitely has a greater chunk of my life as of yet. it is only when I come home and need to run on a schedule and be very selfish with my time that I realize just how many family members that I have. another 'eee gads.' it's grand and all, but dissertating is about to become the main activity of my life and I don't know how I will feel about that, especially with issac (ie most precious child in our house) about. but if this doesn't happen, I may very well have some sort of anxiety of attack as there is so much about photography and genocide in my brain and not yet on paper.

being back in the states is still weird, but has only become more difficult in my realization that I have no immediate plans to leave this country. 'eee gads.' something about those plans may have to change to give me some sense of not being closed in. perhaps a doctorate program? some traveling? who knows what will actually pan out, but something must.

so that my friends is a somewhat brief overview of my last week or so. I will likely not write again until I'm back to chicago. my apologies for being a bit shite in being in contact with anyone in the states and anyone abroad, for that matter. kingsley causes me to hole up a bit. I'll get back on track once this dissertation is out of my head. love to all.

ah, the posts of life.

there is much to be written about my first week back in kingsley, but that will just have to wait until tomorrow, after I'm resettled into kingsley and focused on a major priority of my time here: the dissertation. to help refocus me and my little distracted mind, elizabeth cobb has pulled through big time without really even knowing it. good god, this is what I'll be doing with my life. amazing.

http://theonion.com/nib/index.php?issue=3526&nib=2

more on all of the fun in the plains asap, or as soon as I get my shite together.

reconciling my two lives

okay, that sounds a bit manic, a bit like I still have two lives, a bit like I'm trying to hold on to the london existence after my return to the states. trust me, this is not the case; I learned my lesson last autumn. it is not possible to have two lives or even try to pretend that this is possible because, after all, you have to exist wholly in one or the other and the one that you get stuck with is usually the one that you are physically located in.

so, two lives...what am I trying to say here? what I'm trying to get at is my desire/need to continue my period of growth that I discovered in 2005 london while being in present chicago/soon-to-be kingsley. all in all, I am not expecting this to be all that difficult because I want it to happen/continue badly. nevertheless, meeting up with chicago friends, considering spaces in which to live, and thinking of employment here makes me think that it may be more difficult/challenging than I have thus far anticipated. how much of our lives is shaped by our environment and routines and how much of it is shaped by our spirits/drive/ambition/desires?

thus far, being back to chicago/the states/the midwest has been okay. perhaps that is too bland of a word to fully describe it; perhaps I'm a bit overwhelmed subconsciously to really articulate just what it feels like to be in this space at a different time in my life. I'm looking more towards september and october to give me a better read on how I feel about this return. but on the eve of returning to the hometown, a place that I haven't spent a significant amount of time for many years, that's all the colour I can give to my first few days. the next few weeks will prove interesting, both academically and familially, two areas that I have never really had to negotiate as they rather the points at which I depart from and to the other. a growing experience, nonetheless, and one that will hopefully prove to be fruitful.

with only a bit more time before meeting up with yet another chicago friend, I haven't the time to reflect on london people and my london. even if I had the time, I don't think that I am yet able to do so. but within the next few weeks, I will.

I hope that this finds you all well, wherever you are.

look left, not right.

continual amazement as I reacclimate myself to life outside of my little london existence. it seems bizarre that I am re-remembering the oddest of things that I grew up for over twenty years that I forgot about in less than a year. examples: crossing the street, look left; tax is added to all prices, meaning you cannot necessarily have exact change prepared at the till; everyone says 'thank you;' chicago buses don't have a second level and you don't point to the ground when a bus is approaching a bus stop, as it will stop due to your very presence at the stop. and then, of course, there are the words that I use that only garner a quizzical look. I'm sure I'll adjust a bit more each day; this process is just so intriguing in so many ways.

now, onto reclaiming a bit of my chicago life, or at least a bit of the routine that I had when I was here before london: reading the chicago reader. (note: this round of chicago life is going to have a distinctly different spin/feel to it. after this year, it simply must.)