d.c. and thoughts of last year

I'm in d.c. for the weekend seeing one lauren sakae, one of those brillant people that I met during my time at the vass. while this trip had been planned for the last few weeks, it became even more timely when her boyfriend broke up with her unexpectedly this week. so, in addition to just being here, I'm doing my best to help her get through all of this initial pain, shock, grief, disbelief with lack of explanations that come with going from an 'us' to a 'me' so suddenly.

at some point this afternoon, as we talked, I heard my own voice in lauren's words; a voice from last december which became oh so vibrant with lauren's outpouring of pain. while I had not completely forgotten how brillantly a breakup can disrupt your conceptualization of how things would be, I was reminded in these resounding pronouncements coming out of my best friend's mouth. it's been nearly a year since pke broke up with me, a year since I thought that my shattered sense of my heart would never recover. and while I may not have done the best in dealing with it all at some points, I think I'm at a good space with the good and the bad of my time in that relationship. I know that I've become more cautious, more questioning of those who could possibly be close to me. I don't know if this is a good or bad. should you take your past with you and develop tools to protect yourself from similar situations in the future or do you give everyone the clean slate without changing your approach to being in a relationship? I'd like to say something about having to do whatever is best for yourself, as that is the only person that we have any control over. but I know that, in reality, that is not how we behave. nevertheless, it is something that I remind myself of often and, in someway, makes me feel better.