textures to life

textured sky
Originally uploaded by jlpetersen.

there are many things that I have to say, many things that I have thought about over the last several weeks. I'm not sure that they will all be put down here and now, so excuse any extreme convolutedness of thought.

often when I tell people that I am interested in studying genocide, that 'it's my thing,' if you will, they are completely put off by it. they find it weird. and yes, perhaps it is weird to be gripped by such a topic. while there are several other facets to my interest in this topic, one of the most poignant is how (specifically in the case of rwanda, but not exclusively) an individual who knew another person intimately (neighbors, family members, community leaders) could do something like pick up a machete and kill the other person. the question of how the individual dissociates themself from the relationship that he/she has with the other person enough to see them as a non-human, as something to be eliminated...that is what truly fascinates me.

there is something of this fascination lingering about my thoughts of a person that used to be...well, used to be is about all I can say about it because there were many things that he used to be. this perspective is not meant to say that anything even remotely similar to some mass slaughter has occurred. rather, I'm trying (somewhat clumsily) to talk about the remoteness of this person now. not that I am looking for any sort of reconnection. just a bit of common courtesy. but I'm coming to recognize that that concept may not be as universally held as I had once thought.

so the point of all of this ruminating? I guess it's just a bit of my marveling of how a person can go from being one thing to another within a year's time. and as much as I didn't think it would hurt to make this realization, well, it does smart. I thought that when I made some decision for myself to stop entertaining ideas of any return to an 'us'ness, something that happened long ago, that I would be detached from any of the sadness that I once had.

now, I'm saying too much and not really saying anything at all. the short of it: it will always be difficult when you realize that someone that you once loved, someone that in some way will always affect you, cannot regard you with some sort of courtesy. maybe that's more than they can give. but it still stings.

those are the textures that I'm thinking about. it certainly is an 'interesting' process, if i can use the most undescriptive adjective that there is.