kingsleyvassarchicagolondonmadisonkigali

très mignon!

2008-11-13T21:47:00.000-08:00

oh dear lord, if I have a child (ever), I hope that she/he is as cute and as imaginative as this one.

Once upon a time... from Capucha on Vimeo.

humor in politics

2008-10-19T16:17:00.000-07:00

obama's 'speech' at the al smith dinner is an extension of the humor of politics that has made the daily show and the colbert report so popular. this approach in this forum allows politicians to say some of the things that they would maybe like to say to their opponents, but wouldn't dare do so in formal campaign forums.

regardless, enjoy!

another reason to LOVE amy poehler.

2008-10-15T12:29:00.001-07:00

not only is she a wicked smart comedienne that uses humor to say what needs to be said about politics and society, but her next project is all about girl power. loves it. really, amazing.

check it out here: smart girls have more fun! (you all know that already.)

perhaps the most amazing commentary on the palin problem

2008-09-13T23:29:00.000-07:00

I have so much to say about the palin nomination, but frankly, the first two weeks of term have been kicking my butt. nevertheless, this. is. amazing.

hot child in the city

2008-07-15T15:51:00.000-07:00

today seems to be the first of one of those really hot days in chicago. a day where the wind on your neck feels like it is coming from a large blow dryer. the hot wind tired me as I rode down the lakefront path to pick up my computer, but it was also something of a blessing, as there were fewer people on the path. (hooray!)

I've found refuge in an air conditioned coffee shop. for the price of a muffin, I have a cool space to work in. so, why am I not getting anything done? ah, the guilt/anxiety of studying for prelims.

on to power through geertz before meeting up with mct for movie in the park. though neither of us want to miss 'all about eve' on a huge screen, we're both trying to swallow work guilt. this is summer, right?

park slope = no desire to be pregnant

2008-06-11T16:29:00.000-07:00

am in bklyn to visit a couple of friends from london. am spending the afternoon in a coffeeshop to get hella work done in the way of studying for prelims. there are children crawling all over the place, kids kicking balls, and moms just thinking it is the cutest thing ever. now, I recognize that many women in the twenties at some point utter, 'I don't think I'll want to be pregnant for quite some time,' for whatever reason. and yes, not all of them mean it. I can't say in particular that I mean it either, but dear god, here's one reason not to procreate: turning your local coffeeshop into an indoor playground. so not cool.

and here I go, back to trying to get work done while kiddies throw balls about my feet. fun.

here comes the sun...

2008-06-04T13:32:00.000-07:00

in a café listening to the beatles (hence the title of this post). have managed to make it through last semester and to say goodbye to a couple of friends that are moving from madison. :( after two frenzied days of packing, cleaning, and moving, I've finally made it down to chi. have unpacked and settled into mct's space and am attempting to get started on studying for my comparative politics prelim exam (which is at the end of the summer).

this summer will be interesting: will attempt to train for the marathon again (so looking forward to regular movement!); will attempt to draft funding proposals for my dissertation research (no small task); will study many hours each day for this prelim exam; and will see how living with mct works. have good feelings about all of them and intend on focusing on the positive throughout the summer. (even when I'm eternally frustrated with sitting and reading and taking notes...all summer.)

so, that's the quick update here. looking forward to a summer in chi with mct & my chicago-based friends, as well as a couple of trips here and there. and with that, I'm back to my job of studying.

commencement speeches

2008-05-15T23:17:00.000-07:00

it's that time of year folks. commencement time. time to feel like all of those college years have flown by, that you'll never get all that time back, et cetera, et cetera, ad nauseam. I definitely had moments of sadness when my graduation from vassar came about. six years later, I sit in the memorial library at the university of wisconsin, with pages of notes of swahili to get through before my final exam in the morning. as 'commencement' so blatantly states, the end of college is only the beginning of more. for me, right now, that is more work for school. the life of a graduate student.

I take a few minutes from the hours of work ahead of me to note that the commencement speech given during my graduation (by mr. tony kushner) is listed as one of the more noteworthy on gawker's page today. have a look!

and also, a gigantic shout out to my big little sister, jessica. in 12 hours, she will officially receive her master's of divinity degree from eden seminary. well done jess! you know that I am only one of many who is super proud of you. you give so generously through your compassion and faith.

it's that time of year.

2008-04-13T19:50:00.000-07:00

the time of year when my back muscles are tight, when I start to eat big cookies because I don't know what else to do with my stress, when I spend far too many hours at my computer trying to think through the 'great idea' about which I'm writing another paper for another class. it's the time of year that I always feel too inactive but can't allow myself the time to do a bit of yoga, for fear that I'll fall even further behind. it's the time of year that my neuroses are evident for everyone to see. it's the time of year of too much caffeine and too little sun. it's the time of year that I can't go to chi to see mct. it's the time of year that I really wish that I could breathe a bit deeper and be a bit more confident that all of the work will be completed and will be quality.

five weeks left of the semester. at least five big tasks ahead.

here I go...

fierce

2008-03-20T11:49:00.000-07:00

I can't not laugh when I watch this clip. tim, ryan, and I have taken been using these phrases so often, I think we are confusing everyone around us. oops.

sister rivalry

2008-03-18T16:23:00.000-07:00

oh, how I love getting greater scientific insight into the relationships between sisters.

daft hands

2008-03-12T14:43:00.000-07:00

I like bopping about to this song. a bit of a stress relief...hands dancing to 'harder, better, faster, stronger.'

yes, I'm looking forward to a break.

the idiot that represents my hometown congressional district...

2008-03-10T00:53:00.000-07:00

is none other than steve king. what an f*n idiot!

fair people of the world, I plea to you, please don't let this elected representative make you think all Iowans in CD 5 are so ignorant. really, they aren't. (I have heard plenty of stupid things said by some residents of western iowa, but really, he is the exception.)

only a small bit of his idiotic rhetoric.

situation in south sudan

2008-03-07T11:41:00.000-08:00

when people learn that I study genocide, a question that is often asked is how can genocide be prevented? there are lots of smart people who are working on this question. many recognize that foolproof ways of always preventing mass killings is not possible. but it seems that there are signs that mass violence will break out, that civilians may be caught in conflict. it is these signs that need greater attention and immediate action. this kristof story on south sudan strikes me as one of those cases. maybe all of the attention that has been given to darfur can be used to render action in the southern part of sudan.

ah, premiere gaou encore.

2008-03-06T21:33:00.000-08:00

found a version of the video that I think is better. I'm biased, of course, but I love the street scenes and the kids dancing.

premier gaou

2008-03-06T21:23:00.000-08:00

with the insistence of my friend sara, I have been going to african dance classes at the university gym for the last couple of weeks. I had forgotten how much dance used to be a part of my identity. it is nice to reconnect with something that reminds me I used to not be identified solely as a political scientist.

after class tonight, the instructor played this song, which I recognized from my time in cameroon. it's such a great dance song and reminds me of long van rides and late nights in a couple of the discotheques. this video is definitely the spruced up version (i.e. not the standard low budget music video that is typically produced.) enjoy!

photos from the holiday party

2008-02-27T13:52:00.000-08:00

two months later, a few photos of some of my dear friends in madison. if I didn't have some good people around me, I don't know if I would make it through the hours of reading in the bitter, bitter cold.

the most fun part of the evening was not captured on film, unfortunately. looks like sara and I will have to have another walkoff.

sara & I at the fete.

ryan talking about something or other. apparently I didn't approve.

and surprise, surprise, tim's licking my neck. mmm...

sing it tina

2008-02-24T13:12:00.000-08:00

it may seem that I'm only about hillary and can see no good in an obama nomination. I think this is mostly a reaction to the intense cult of obama fans that I interact with everyday. this bit from tina fey on last night's snl helps alleviate a bit of that obama angst. and it's just funny.

today's the day

2008-02-19T13:07:00.000-08:00

primary day in wisconsin. I've already voted, so am just working, going to classes, and waiting to see what the fall out is. though I am a bit frustrated with how the campaign has been operating lately (the pettiness needs to end), I am still fully behind hillary.

'so you quote love unquote me'

2008-02-14T14:16:00.000-08:00

a short stream of consciousness on the valentine holiday...

I really don't understand why people 'hate' valentine's day. the commercialization that is shoved down people's throats (buy her a diamond necklace, go to a fancy restaurant, flowers, flowers, flowers) is unfortunate and definitely taints the holiday. but if you look past that, if you look to the idea of valentine's day, pause, and remember that we all have love in our lives in many of the relationships that we are in, then what is so bad about it? many of us are so busy in our daily lives that we don't stop and recognize how much we love and appreciate our friends and family. valentine's day, with all of the marketing to go out and buy something for your significant other, at least forces us to recognize that love is important for us all. it's a day to tell the people around you that you care about them (though it shouldn't be the only day, of course.) and who doesn't want to be reminded that they are loved?

pc v. mac

2008-02-08T21:13:00.000-08:00

usually I'm on the side of the mac. (not to the point of snobbiness or exclusive usage, but what do I own? a mac.) but, as david brooks terms it, I'm with the pc all the way and feeling a bit more hopeful about it.

questions for dr. retail

the electability issue

2008-02-07T15:17:00.000-08:00

here we are, debating who should be the democratic candidate based on the issue of electability. it's unfortunate that the democratic party must confront such an issue, hedging its bets on who can win the presidency and begin to right the wrongs of the bush administration.

who is more electable?

I'd like to see hillary, a strong female, in the top position. but I also know that many people have made their minds up about her and frame her however they like.

the hillary haters

2008 will prove to be a significant turning point in our country's history. who will be at the helm still eludes us all.

foundations

2008-02-02T17:26:00.000-08:00

in the need of a bit of a pick-me-up on this grey chicago day (or any grey day), I listen to this song by kate nash. the lyrics detail a sad, sad story, but I love the song and find it cheery, nevertheless.

enjoy! (and maybe dance about a bit too.)

oh yes, and the video is clever. some likely say that it's just too clever, but I disagree. love the intertwining socks.

bad blogger = me

2008-01-25T18:11:00.000-08:00

the lack of blogging is largely due to the overwhelming amount of work that marked last semester. have a feeling that this semester will be as busy, but am going to try and be a bit more balanced. what does this mean? mostly seeing my friends and getting back into shape (more yoga and running), but also trying to not freak out when I am not able to work. important to me, important to my relationships with other people. so, I will likely be blogging a bit more, but don't expect any wonderful updates on my life. that may happen, but more likely, there will just be little bits of fun and introspection.

and now, for a bit of fun...obama on letterman.

good credit is important. (esp. in a society that is built around consumerism.)

2007-09-24T16:37:00.000-07:00

take it from me, dear friends, you want to request a copy of your credit reports each year. it is not a foolproof way of preventing someone from stealing your identity, but it will help you keep track of what accounts are in your name.

you can receive a free credit report each year. why not? below are the three major credit reporting agencies in the u.s.

experian
transunion
equifax

noli goods

2007-09-14T13:21:00.000-07:00

as some of you may know, I have a lovely, creative friend who goes by kt. kt makes lovely necklaces as a way to spread pretty throughout the world (though this is mostly concentrated to the mission in sfo, or so I hypothesize). she recently scolded me for not including her website on my blog. super belatedly, here it is...

kt's necklace emporium

click, browse, order, enjoy! my endorsement: I <3 noli!

two weeks in...

2007-09-14T12:09:00.000-07:00

and I've already skipped my first class. with swahili every day at 9:55a, it's bound to happen. mostly because of previous engagements (including traveling to l.a. for shay's wedding and giving a talk to 200 high schoolers on genocide and rwanda), but today it was partly due to a bad sleep schedule this week and an recurring eye problem. neither are too great, but at the very least, I've got up on some of the administrative bits of my life, so that's something. as usual, I have a substantial amount of reading, but I am determined to get through a good chunk of it before mct comes up for the weekend. looking forward to some yoga, scones from the farmer's market, and biking around one of the lakes.

so, in a few words: I'm surviving. there are, as usual, extracurricular academic-esque commitments that I've put on my plate, but those will get done in short order.

re: photos, I have managed to post some on flickr. rwanda photos will be up as soon as I get them transferred from my kigali roommate's computer.

and another year of school begins...

2007-09-04T14:46:00.000-07:00

so, it's official. with my driving back into madison last night, I was returning to wisconsin for my second year in the program. there have definitely been times when I wasn't sure of what I was doing and if grad school was best for me. but after a lot of reflection and several discussions with people close to me, I'm taking a new perspective to my time here. I'm going to try and be more confident about my abilities as a pseudo academic and not take everything to be so serious. I'm just going to try and let myself be good at doing what I do and not doubt it. this may be somewhat difficult, but let's see how it goes, eh?

I'm somewhat settled into my apt. will have the last big piece (my desk) tonight, which will help with the settling in. now for all of those misc. things that I will only realize later on that I need...like knives, pots, mixing bowls, etc. I will be posting photos of my new place and rwanda soon! now that august has ended and I've stopped shuttling in and out of chicago, now that I'll be in a regularized weekly schedule, this should be a bit easier to do. I will need something to procrastinate with, after all.

moving in madison

2007-08-16T10:01:00.000-07:00

so, I'm back to the states. I can't really tell if I'm in the midst of experiencing 'culture shock' right now. it seems as if maybe I should be experiencing as much, or perhaps I feel this way because people expect me to be shocked. maybe the adjustment isn't quite so intense because I wasn't in rwanda for more than seven weeks. maybe this is due to my living in kigali (in kiyovu, a 'posh' section of the city). I'm not sure. whatever it is, I'm just trying to continue on and get things done, as the beginning of school isn't that far off.

one of things that was a big 'to do' on my list for august was the move from the apartment with ryan and tim to my own place. my very first place of my own. the moving process was not very pleasant (though ryan and tim did a bulk of the work before I returned to madison; thank you boys.) nevertheless, I'm still in the midst of settling in, trying to manage the ridiculous number of boxes that I have of photos and other memorabilia (it's a bit silly), and figure out what else I might need to help with the transition to the beginning of another semester. last night was the first night I spent in my new place. perhaps it was my extreme exhaustion from moving, but I slept fairly well and woke up feeling very comfortable in my new space. I'll be quite happy once I'm able to get my desk from my friend's basement, once the books are purchased, once I've been grocerying for the first time...in short, once I'm settled. I think I'll like living in the space quite well. even more than living there, I would love to entertain guests in my own place. (for out-of-town guests: there is a FABULOUS breakfast place near my new apartment. it's only open on the weekends, so it works out perfectly for you all!)

I'll post photos of my new place (even in the midst of chaos) as well as some adorable photos from my time at home soon. and yes, photos from rwanda are coming. (I am waiting to see my kigali roommate in a week or so to get them from her.)

today's the day

2007-08-01T10:04:00.000-07:00

today's the day that I leave kigali and begin my long(ish) return to the states. while that statement sounds somewhat dramatic, and while I may have felt as if I could execute it with a great deal of drama and joy earlier this summer, I am genuinely sad to say goodbye to my friends here. last night was a small fête of friends (silas, bosco, clare) along with american newcomers from the university of wisconsin. all enjoyed a poisson grillé and brochettes du chevre (grilled fish and goat brochettes), along with pomme frites and bananas grillés (french fries and grilled bananas). there are some interesting photos of the fish, to be posted shortly after my arrival to chi.

getting on the minibus was tough, as it was the last time that I will see some of these people in quite some time. things will change; bosco's baby will be a toddler, silas may be married by then, clare may have opened several more schools in kigali. but I have to remember that this sadness that I feel is also to be appreciated. I have been lucky enough to be here, to spend time with some great people, and to have some connection to this place. now, if only the academic part of it would come a bit easier...

four hours until I leave for the airport and I still have packing to do. but first, time to get out of my pajamas!

and so ends my short time in rwanda. thanks all for reading and checking in on me. I'll be posting upon my return to the states, hopefully with more photos. until then...

less than 48 hours...

2007-07-30T18:10:00.000-07:00

it's not that I'm counting the hours until I leave kigali. there have definitely been days when I was just waiting to leave, waiting for the beginning of august to come. but now, as the day is closer and closer, I have the standard mix of sad/excited/scared emotions. unless something comes up that I haven't planned, today was my last day of doing work. after being in a fairly constant state of working, it will be odd to not be thinking about who I should talk to or what people have told me. but hopefully a break from it will help me to process and appreciate what I've learned the last several weeks.

tonight I'll pack so that I can enjoy my friends tomorrow night without worrying too much. (I'm going to have some people get together for poisson grillé. and, of course, fantas.)

reflecting on my time in bujumbura

2007-07-29T09:40:00.000-07:00

it's a been a couple of days since my return, but if I don't write this now, it may never get written.

bujumbura, the capital of burundi, is very different from kigali, especially the part of kigali that I live in. the country has only recently (as in 2005) settled into some sort of democratic governance, with a government composed of parties that were formerly fighting each other. whatever sense of stability that may be credited to the government (very little, at that) is in a bit of turmoil, as the FLN (a rebel group) has stalled in final discussions of a ceasefire agreement with the government. (once I locate some good news articles to elucidate this situation a bit more, I'll post them here.)

as the country has dealt with a cycle of violence since gaining independence from belgium in 1962, there is very little to build from. what I mean in that is that there is very little infrastructure and resources with which to build the country. roads in the capital city are pitted, the electricity is cut in certain quartiers (neighborhoods) frequently, the justice system is undergoing reform as there are few trained lawyers in the country. the impact of the wars is evident in the faces of the street children. I know that I've talked about the street children here in kigali before. the number of children in the streets of buj seems to be even greater than here in kigali, though I don't know any precise numbers. this situation goes towards explaining why tourists are warned against les petits bandites at night. children steal because, frankly, they have not much of a choice, if they are to survive. the state certainly isn't able to support them and, as far as I know, there are few NGOs working in the country to help alleviate this situation.

a story: when I was walking down the street one day (during the day), a small boy called after me. not surprising, as this often happens. but he was persistent, so finally I turned around. he then handed me my business card, one that had been stuck in a side pocket of my bag. I knew that it couldn't have fallen out of the bag, but didn't really think about the fact that he had likely reached into the pocket and taken it. it was my business card after all. it had little value to me. after thanking him and continuing on, a man around my age stopped me and told me that the child had stolen it from my bag. I explained to him that it was fine, that it was only my card. thinking back on this episode, perhaps the small boy was looking for a reward for returning something to me (even if he had stolen it). perhaps it was merely to see if the mzungu would notice a small hand in the outside pocket of her bag. I don't know. but seeing the faces of these children who may be orphans of the conflict, who may have been forced to participate in the fighting themselves is clear evidence of lack of state development. where do the priorities of a state that is coming out of conflict lie? I am not trying to suggest that the burundian government has got its priorities wrong. but it does leave one to wonder where does a state begin to rebuild itself after so much destruction. these questions don't even begin to get into the issues of transitional justice and future reconciliation amongst formerly warring factions of the population, which I was trying to look at a bit more closely while I was in buj. but it does put a human face to the reality of post-conflict societies, a face that we in the western world rarely see or choose to recognize.

back from burundi

2007-07-27T19:22:00.000-07:00

I have much to say about my trip to burundi; definitely a week of high and lows. luckily, the week ended on the highs of going to dinner with at my friend emmanuel's home and meeting his immediate family and then sharing a bus seat (and sharing the joys of belle and sebastian and the shins) with two small mignon boys. the lows: realizing at the beginning of the week how little I know how about the situation there (I know more now) and being sexually harassed by a friend's friend whose house I was (note 'was') staying at.

that all being said, the trip was 9.5 hours long, so I'm a bit fatigued. I'll try to post more about burundi soon. but now, I need to shower and unpack all of my dirty clothes and think about what to do in my last few days here. yikes!!!

je suis arrivée à bujumbura

2007-07-23T09:12:00.000-07:00

I arrived to buj yesterday afternoon after a long bus ride. luckily, I was met by a friend of a friend, whose house I am now staying in. guess I didn't need to take out more money on my credit card. oh well. alors, I have two meetings today and hopefully can arrange more for the rest of the week. it's odd how uncomfortable I feel being in a new city/not being in kigali. expected, but odd, nevertheless.

so, I'm here. now what to do with myself...

off to bujumbura

2007-07-22T06:34:00.000-07:00

I know that I have been pretty bad about posting this week. this is mostly accounted for the fact that I've been running around kigali meeting with people and scheduling appointments. with dry season in full force, walking about in the strong sunshine has worn me out, meaning that I haven't run or done yoga once this week, let along post here.

this post comes 1.5 hours before my bus leaves for bujumbura, the capital of burundi. as some of you know, my thoughts about what my dissertation research might actually be on have long been on something of a comparative study of rwanda and burundi. they are similar in many ways, with long histories of conflict defined in terms of ethnicity, but are taking very different approaches to their reconciliation programs. also, while most of you know what has happened in rwanda, most of you probably don't know much about burundi. fear not; you're not alone. all of the common knowledge about rwanda also means that there are a lot of NGOs (non-governmental organizations) working here to rebuild the country. I'm going to bujumbura to try and talk to people working on the reconciliation process and see what I can learn.

that all being said, I have to go! just a few things to do in the next 30 minutes before I need to leave my house. I'll try to post again this week (just to let you all know that I arrived safely), but I have no idea what the internet cafe connection might be in buj. while this might seem like a crazy trip to take, thinking that I will be back to the states on august 2 (as in leaving in 11 days) is even crazier for me!

new photos posted

2007-07-15T14:32:00.000-07:00

I know that I haven't been too diligent about posting photos to the blog. it just takes too long to upload! but I have managed to add a few new photos (!) to my flickr page, if anyone is interested.

only another 2.5 weeks...and so much work to do!

my love for cadbury dairy milk has found its way to the nyt.

2007-07-12T22:08:00.000-07:00

not all that surprising, I know, but a visit to the address below will surely not disappoint anyone who shares my love for a cadbury from the u.k. a 200g cadbury mint chip chocolate bar was, in fact, a christmas gift from my aunt and uncle who spent the semester in the u.k. last year. and it was glorious.

this is also a wonderful reminder that I should pick up as much as I can carry (and have time to purchase) on my layover at london heathrow airport in three weeks. fabulous.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/11/dining/11cand.html?ei=5087%0A&em=&en=845a60d1675f0874&ex=1184385600&pagewanted=all

reveling in birthday love...

2007-07-11T21:42:00.000-07:00

just wanted to post in appreciation of all of my lovely friends near (kigali!) and far (chi, kingsley, remsen, d.c., sfo, nyc, paris, poughkeepsie, and beyond!) who made my 27th wonderful. it is definitely hard to be away from so many people that I love, but it was, in some odd way, nice to think back on all of the different birthday experiences that I've had up until now. from doll birthday cakes and summer sleepovers to regent's park picnic to martinis at matchbox...

so, to all of you that were thinking of me on my birthday (even if you didn't get a chance to mail (I know how busy you all are!) or if you tried to call for six hours (my grammy)), merci mille fois. je vous aime.

27.

2007-07-10T07:20:00.000-07:00

today's the birthday. while I have to do work throughout the day, I will celebrate tonight with a glass of wine with my housemates at republica. (and fear not; I took yesterday off to go to akagera national park and see animals. photos to come!)

on with the birth...

my saturday night in kigali

2007-07-08T11:00:00.000-07:00

I know that my being in rwanda seems like I am doing a number of cool things and that, therefore, my family and friends' lives in the states are 'boring.' wrong. not that what I'm doing here isn't great and interesting. but keep in mind, I do the every day things of walking down the street and figuring out where places are. of course, I'm a mzungu throughout all of this. (note the spelling change; I just realized I was adding an 'i.' and in case I have failed to note this, 'mzungu' is a word (I think of swahili origin) that means 'white person.' I don't think that there is any derogatory sense to this word, but sometimes, you wouldn't feel that way from the way that the word can feel thrown at you.)

so, after that brief introduction, some of you will find this to post to be absurd. mct has already told me that I won't get to live this one down. but really, this story comes from being in a unique situation and having a good time. and maybe a bit of social saavy.

these last few days have been kind of blah for me, with frustrations in many different areas of my being here. after having breakfast at bourbon cafe (a posh coffee shop in the center of kigali, where rwandan elites and mzungus hang out), I went to the american embassy for a celebration of the fourth of july, meeting my friend clare. the fete was fine, but dull and I continually heard obnoxious comments from other americans at the picnic, complaining of 'how things are done in rwanda' and other such b.s. annoyed, I came home and moped for a bit. two of my housemates came home and one of them told me that we had missed seeing ewan mcgregor that morning at the cafe (as she had found out through an acquaintence.) so, the joke began that we would try and find him that night at a restaurant/bar near our house, republica. nina, who claims to not believe in things like lucky numbers, said that we had to leave at 7:07:07pm in order to have any luck in spotting ewan and his entourage. leaving at 7:07:49pm, I humored her and we took a pack of cards to play gin and see if 'luck' was on our side.

long story shorter: a couple of minutes after sitting down, an troop of men walked in and sat at the table next to ours. and yes, it was ewan and friends. mine and nina's playing gin caught the eye of one of the guys and we struck up a conversation with them. after leaving and returning, the men came back and this guy, david, sat down with us and played a round of gin. in course of doing so, we learned why the entourage was in kigali. they are in the midst of shooting the documentary 'long way down,' in which they travel through africa on motorbikes; this is a similar project to the film 'long way round,' in which the group traveld from london to new york - again, ewan and his friend charley boorman via motorbikes. david asked what we were doing in kigali, which led to my explaining my research. this then led to my explaining, upon request, the situation in rwanda today, as the group is meeting president kagame today for lunch. david was curious to learn more about the genocide (I recommended my advisor's book to him), as well as about the situation today. we discussed memorial sites (ntarama, specifically), poverty in rwanda, and the political state of this country. he drew in ewan and claudio (one of the cameraman on the project) to discuss all of this. so, here I'll admit that it was a bit surreal talking on and on about rwanda to film people, people who were about to meet the president and film it for their documentary. but it was also a great experience to actually talk through some of my observations of the country, a place that I have thought about so often in an academic sense. having these people, who had just had a shop opened in order to buy suits for their lunch with the president, ask what my take would be on the politics around their meeting with the president...well, it was definitely an experience.

after a bit more chatting and playing of gin, a decision was made to go to 'new cadillac,' a kigali nightclub. as this was an opportunity to go to the discotheque for the first time in company that I don't usually keep, nina and I decided to go. we climbed into the minibus with these guys and spent the next hour dancing. I chatted a bit with charley, who had some interesting things to relay from their time in northern uganda, and others in the group, and had a quick dance with ewan before leaving. kisses on the cheek and a 'it was lovely to meet you' and nina and I set off for home. (a bit of guilt for not being home earlier, as mct was ringing to help decompress my frustrated state, but of course, he understood.)

so yes, it sounds very exciting and yes, it was. surreal, but a genuinely good experience with people who are doing some really cool things...and I got to show off all of my knowledge and perspective on the situation here! of course, there is a photo to be posted, though that will have to wait until I can borrow another computer.

july 4, 2007 in kigali

2007-07-05T21:03:00.000-07:00

while americans celebrated independence day with potato salad, citronella candles, family, friends, and fireworks, my housemates and I here in kigali also celebrated a national holiday...liberation day. the 13th liberation day, to be exact. while rwanda (and burundi, incidentally) gained its independence on july 1, 1962, which is also technically a nationaly holiday here, the day is not really celebrated. as far as I understand it, this is because many people (most often tutsis) do not regard rwanda's independence from belgium as being a true day of independence for all rwandans. liberation day, it should be noted, marks the end of the 1994 genocide. celebrations happen throughout the country, with the largest held at stade amahoro (amahoro stadium) in kigali. partly because this is the largest of celebrations, people come from throughout the countryside to go to amaharo.

as the stadium also houses the ministry of youth, sports, and culture (where I've been trying to get a research permission from over the last two weeks), I have been to the stade on several days during the rehearsal for this event. a majority of the liberation day celebration is a parade of the military. granted there are police and military officers throughout kigali with large, overwhelming guns on them at all times. but when I've been up to the stade to go to the ministry's office, seeing these soldiers with their guns with bayonets attached and missile launchers has been a bit unsettling. rwanda is one of the most secure countries on the continent; the parade of military yesterday was an emphasis of such military strength. (side note: though the rwandan defense forces are one of the most professionalized forces in the world, this does not mean that all of the soldiers have some staunch sense of decorum. yes, even they called out 'mizungu' as I would walk past.)

in order to make it into the stadium, my housemates and I left our home at 7:15a. after getting taxibuses, arriving to the stadium in two groups, going through security, and regrouping, we waited until 10:00a for the actual ceremony to begin. once the president arrived, the stadium was put on lockdown and the festivities began. two military marching bands, lots of armed soldiers, and a parade of several different ministries (focused on youth issues, mostly) and private security firm officers (odd) started off. there was plenty of blue, green, and yellow (rwandan flag colors) about for the occassion, in the colors of the stadium, the ribbons the decorated the vip section, and on many of the participants' garments. there were presentations of medals of honor, a speech by the president, and traditional intore dance. that I all expected. what I did not expect were the small displays of hand on hand combat (martial arts displays by soldiers, which were a riot to the rwandans sitting around us) and the display of pick ax and knife throwing. the event ended at 1:00p. though we did not exit the stade until 2:00p (as we waited for the masses of people to exit), we were all ready to leave by then.

but no, the day didn't end there. though some of the housemates returned home, three of us stayed about the area, shared a pizza for lunch, and then went back to the stade for the final football match of the amaharo cup. I had been told by a sports editor of one of the newspapers that the match started at 3:30p; it didn't end up starting until 6:00p. (rwandan time?) the actual match of the professional teams was preceded by a game between a team of businessmen and a team of taxibus men. there was a white man who played on the businessmen team and, at first, he flubbed up a bit. this only caused the rwandans to make fun of him and look at us with even more amusement. but when he scored the first goal, he gained a bit more respect (and we were given looks of surprise). finally, this match ended and it was on with the final. though we did not intend to do so, we ended up sitting in the fan section of APR FC, the team that is sponsored by the military. they have one of the largest fan bases in the country and have been a powerhouse in rwandan football over the last several years. sitting in this section provided for a 'purer experience,' as one of my housemates so optimistically put it. once the match was on, we weren't given much attention, which was nice. but when we left the stadium at the half (it was already such a long day at that point), I was definitely touched somewhat inappropriately more often than I care to remember, as well as accosted with seemingly angry tones of 'mizungu.' I suppose there aren't many white girls who come for football matches and sit in the 500 franc section.

all in all, an interesting day, though a tiring one as well. I did feel a bit sad that I wasn't able to see any fireworks or smell any charcoal grills during the day, but this was a unique experience in its own right. next on the list of holidays to look forward to: the birthday.

a blog follow-up

2007-07-02T22:10:00.000-07:00

last week I blogged about an article in the nyt about birth order and identity. thinking of my own family, I found this follow-up article to be quite interesting.

I am a worm, hear me roar

cookie making in kigali

2007-07-02T18:57:00.000-07:00

who knew?

the story dates back to my flight to kigali. while I was in the airport in addis ababa, ethiopia, I met clare, a nigerian woman who was raised in the u.k. and u.s. she left her position as a diplomat shortly after going to rwanda for the first time. she was so troubled by the circumstances that many street children endured, living in and eating out of garbage dumps. these children were orphaned as a result of the genocide and many had nowhere to go. over the last seven years, clare has established an organization, esther's aid, geared towards helping these children. her organization has built a small school in a kigali slum. here, children are educated at the primary level (i.e. elementary school). additionally, she has set up programs for skill training, including car mechanics, sewing/tailoring, and catering.

I had yet to visit clare's home or the school since coming to kigali, though she has telephoned several times to check in on me. after ringing saturday morning, I went to kacyiru, clare's neighborhood. mind you, this is the same area where several of the ministries, the president's office, and the new american embassy (which is still under construction; once it is completed, it will be the tallest building in the area) are located. not surprisingly, this is a nice area of kigali, with palm trees in the median of the road. (these trees were imported from south africa. the best use of the government's money? that's questionable.) behind this facade of clean, well-constructed buildings and roads is the slum in which clare lives and in which her school is located.

after a hour at her home, we went to the school to show the students in the catering program how to bake cookies. the result of this training will be the production of cookies, to be sold (most likely to ex-pats) in support of the organization. clare's organization has managed to get some nice equipment into the school. it was a really interesting experience to help mix cookie batter and bake cookies in a poor area of kigali. baking cookies seems, in many ways, to be second nature, as learning to do so was such a part of my growing up with my grandmother. to see these students learn to measure baking soda and form cookie balls was great. knowing that these will be skills that will help get them positions in hotels or as private cooks for richer families was inspiring. and I got to be a very small part of it.

another week in rwanda, another week of work?

2007-06-29T11:18:00.000-07:00

a friday morning and I need to be doing something. what is it that I am to do? I find these moments to be the most difficult to get my thoughts sorted, to figure out what it is that I am to be doing. I need to go to places, I need to talk to people and sometimes this doesn't seem to be a problem. other times, this is the most difficult for me to do.

this week, I went to butare on tuesday and wednesday. I went to go to several memorial sites near the city; I ended up going to only one site but going to a gacaca trial. as many of you do not know, gacaca (pronounced ga-cha-cha) is a kinyarwanda word that means 'grass court,' a traditional form of sorting out disputes within a community, when village elders would come together along with members of the community to resolve conflicts between two parties. (this is, obviously, a very brief description of this institution. a more detailed explanation/critique can be found online; on such site is web.amnesty.org/library/index/engafr470072002) gacaca has been used since 2006 nationwide in rwanda (after an initial trial basis in a few communities) to help alleviate the backup of prisoners in rwanda. many people have been in prison since the genocide and have yet to have their cases heard. gacaca is also to serve as a tool of reconciliation within the community, as people who are accused of participating in the genocide are questioned in front of the other members of their village and the gacaca judges are able to draw from the community to provide greater insight into what actually happened during the killings. this sort of set up (with elected elders and village participation) is to help provide a true understanding of genocidal events and individual participation in these events, as well as provide some justice. if someone comes forth as participating in the genocide and is found to tell the truth of what they did, he/she must participate in some form of community service in order to heal the wounds that they inflicted on those around them. gacaca can also implement jail sentences on people who do not tell the truth of their participation in the genocide. there are many different critiques of the use of gacaca, who is tried, if this is a useful form of reconciliation, and who it serves. from my small experience on wednesday, it is an intense experience for the community and those on trial. the gacaca that I attended on wednesday lasted from 9:00am to 4:30pm, with both women who were tried sentenced to six months in jail and ordered to return to gacaca every two weeks. (I don't know if this was to have their cases further heard or if it is encourage their participation in the reconcilation process.)

I know that this sounds like I have been doing things, so that my first statement seems invalid. but really, what am I doing right now? going to send some emails and make some phone calls. get the ball rolling, if I can just roll on with it...

the nyt, memorial sites, and a new week

2007-06-25T09:02:00.000-07:00

first, the nyt: it has been several weeks since I have read any new york times articles, something that is a regular habit of mine. finding a free laptop in the house available (and having the luxury of wireless internet), I was able to read a couple of articles, one on how eldest children have higher iqs (and no sisters, I don't write this to irk you!) and the other about craftsters in brooklyn. ah...such joy from reading those few bits.

two, genocide memorial sites: this last week has been busy with visiting different sites around the country (as well as moving into a new house). I went to the memorial in gisozi (in kigali), two in/near nyanza (just near kigali), ntarama and nyamata (both south of kigali approx. 30km), and murambi (3km from gikongoro). I know that these names don't mean anything to most of you, but I list them so that you might be able to google them and get a better idea of where it is I am going exactly. posting photos seems to be a slow process, but I will post some at some point. some may be very disturbing (as they should be, I suppose); I felt awkward taking several of them. the feeling of being at some of these places has been a bit overwhelming for me, as actually seeing the skulls and bones of the victims makes all of the reading that I've done on the genocide, well, very real. I know that that statement doesn't make much sense, but these are my initial reactions to the sites.

today is monday morning, which means a whole new week of doing things here. I had thought that I would spend a good deal of time preparing yesterday, after running out to a village to tell several people that had helped me during my afternoon there that the photos that I was going to deliver to them had yet to be printed. however, that trip turned into a longer afternoon, as I met up with a friend/research aid (the distinction in the relationship is difficult to read) and ran into a demonstration (peaceful) of students not wanting genocide again. this was just an amazing site; all of universities and secondary schools in kigali had participated in order to signal that they don't want another genocide. (something of a sign to any past perpetrators outside of the country who may want to return and employ violent means...this is what I was told.) anyway, going to the stadium where the students had gathered and recording a few of the speeches that were given, and then discussing them afterwards, took much more time than I had thought. I have several errands to get permits from the government to do research, so I might as well do these things and then take some time to prepare for my trip to butare. butare is the main university city, approximately three hours south of kigali. I hope to go to more genocide sites in the area and speak with some people at the university in my two days there. so, today is some prep and thinking about what I need to get done there.

sorry that this is a bit of a rambled mess. it's been some time since I've posted, so everything is sort of congealed in my head.

a low sort of day.

2007-06-20T19:24:00.000-07:00

this is the first day since arriving to kigali that I've felt, well, very little. no motivation, no drive, nearly apathy. and I don't deal well with apathy. perhaps its the aftereffects of larium or the sunburn that I acquired yesterday or the fatigue of responding to 'mizungu.' nevertheless, I barely got out of bed to go to the bank and get money for my new accommodations, into which I'll move tomorrow. hopefully moving into this house, which has a slew of american girls all working on various public health projects, will help me feel less disconnected from my life aux etats-unis. it's only been a week. I'll be fine, but I do hate these low spaces of life.

on a much brighter note: I've just noted that saturday was an even bigger day than I had thought. not only did dev and rachel get married, molly and jack get married, nickie graduated from kellogg with her m.b.a., but my sister annie had her baby. lucian alexander. I'm looking forward to photos....hint, hint.

the sun sets very early in kigali

2007-06-19T19:56:00.000-07:00

one thing that I love about summer in the u.s. is that the days are so long. that is not the case in kigali, where the sun is full on set, gone from the sky, at 6:30p. while kigali is safe and not all that threatening (though the mizungu stare can be tiring), it feels more intimidating when the sun is gone. therefore, I eat dinner around 6:00p each night, so that I don't walk to and from the internet cafe all that late. that will all change very soon, as I just received word that I am able to move into a NGO house (to which I am connected through mct's brother-in-law). this move has many advantages: a community of people to live amongst, meals prepared (esp. since I've only been eating twice a day, though I guess that's not all that bad), wireless internet access, close to city center, and moins cher! I will miss the people at the guest house, who have been so kind and helpful, and miss figuring out the taxi-bus and taxi-moto systems. alas...

in the last two days, I've visited three memorial sites. the first was the kigali memorial centre (the main genocide site) and the other two were outside of the city but still in ville de kigali province. the two experiences were very different from each other; I'm not really able to describe it. one thing that I've noted immediately is that I did not react in the way that I thought I would/should. but mct made a good point: I have been more upset by seeing the situation that street children live in (from afar, of course). a living, breathing, begging reminder of the aftermath of the genocide. it's unsettling to confront the reality of the genocide each day. but that's why I'm here. a woman who runs a ngo focused on helping clothe, feed, and school street children has befriended me (in the addis ababa airport, nonetheless). I look forward to seeing the work that she does. these are the kind of issues that make me reconsider life as an academic.

a walk about city centre

2007-06-17T11:27:00.000-07:00

today, I left the guest house shortly after breakfast to journey to city centre and get familiarized with the area. sunday is a good day for doing so, as there aren't many people about doing busy. mind you, this doesn't mean that there was no one out; I had plenty of muzungu stares. visited the office of tourism (am thinking about writing a paper on trauma tourism here) and an excellent bookshop (where both of my advisor's books are on sale, in addition to many others on the genocide). basically, lots of walking, lots of stares. was able to negotiate the public taxi-bus system on my own, which was great. of course, I had some help figuring out the kinyarwanda words for locations. tomorrow: gisozi genocide memorial.

bag and babies

2007-06-16T11:45:00.000-07:00

today had two really great things about it: one, silas (my friend aloys's brother) and I went to the airport et voila! mon sac est arrive! now, I can go back to the guest house, wash these clothes that I've been wearing, and put on clean ones. wow!

two: just went to a baby naming ceremony. gathering of the family to propose names. I proposed patience. she is named onella.

have to run, as my time at the internet cafe is almost up! tomorrow: more brainstorming for research!

je suis la

2007-06-14T11:19:00.002-07:00

hello from kigali, where the local time is 8:23pm. this won't be a long message, as it has taken me five minutes to get to this page in the first place. but I wanted to let everyone know that I have arrived. while I am safe, my luggage is another story. the flight from jfk to london was delayed by an hour, I had to run through too many hoops to get my ethiopian connection, and therefore, my bag wasn't on the flight. hopefully, it will arrive in the next day or so.

after a long afternoon of exchanging money and getting a mobile with the help of my friend aloys's brother silas, I am full of poisson grillee and ready to go back to the guesthouse. kigali is expensive and I'm trying to get my head around everything that I need to do right now. research, wow, I don't even know where to begin. but soon enough.

for those of you who have any interest my mobile number is 250 03013105. I don't expect many calls, but just in case...

until the next time, when I will hopefully not be wearing the same clothes...

two days and counting...

2007-06-11T11:32:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in a coffee shop in the park slope neighborhood of brooklyn, attempting to get my head around the rwanda trip. I just spent the weekend at vassar for my 5th year reunion (which requires a series of posts on its own, though that may never get done). when talking about 'what I was up to,' this impending trip would come up. although I've said the words 'I am going to Rwanda' hundreds of times, I don't know if I actually believe it yet myself. I have sent a number of emails, confirmed my reservation at the auberge that I'll be staying in in kigali, and taken care of other of things in preparation for rwanda. my bag has been packed for days now. but yet, I have to sit down and really think about the trip. perhaps a bit of lunch will help fuel these thoughts. a run will definitely be necessary later this afternoon.

mixed emotions in anticipation of the trip are markers of taking on any new adventure. at least, this is what I'm telling myself right now.

always thinking.

2007-05-29T17:14:00.000-07:00

so, I suppose that I've finished a year of my ph.d. program. I say I suppose because it doesn't really feel like it in many ways. I realize that I'm done when I can sleep in ridiculously late and sit in a coffee shop blogging and doing sudoku while listening to french news online. I'm not really soaking in the sense of being done with the year as I am ever thinking and planning for my time in rwanda, which will begin in two short weeks. holy shite.

the interim time means time in chicago, time with mct, time with friends, time reintegrating my head into french, time thinking about my 'research' in rwanda, time finalizing details for reunion. I love 'my work.' I think about it all the time. I just don't always know if I can break the mold of who I am as a person to do this. I want to be. I just don't know if, at the core, I am this person. I'm hoping these seven weeks are a reminder of why I study what I study, of why going away is something that I make a staple of my studies/career. I'm scared that it won't make me realize this. but I can't anticipate this. I have to let it happen. I have to just be. (I'm not always very good at that.)

almost done...

2007-05-21T20:53:00.000-07:00

only one more paper to write...but what am I doing but drinking with my roommates and packing. the roommates are leaving tomorrow (weird), so I'll have some time and space to write and prep for the rest of the move. much grading to be done tomorrow and some moving, but alas, the paper writing will begin again on wednesday. less than a week until my move from madison. a bit of time in chicago, a bit of time in nyc, and then, kigali. the end of the semester has left me feeling completely overwhelmed and I'm in no way ready to go to rwanda. there's much to be done and while I'm trying to hammer out the details (uh, plane ticket anyone?), I've got to get through this next week.

in a small break between the chaos, I spent the weekend in chi. after having dinner with sheila and her fiancé, mark (who really does seem to be a great fit for shay), mct and I had a really lovely and wonderful weekend. there's a lot that I could say about him and about our relationship. in short, we are really good right now. really good.

rwanda bound

2007-04-18T15:11:00.000-07:00

rwanda, a country that I've spent several years thinking about, that I've written hundreds of pages about, a country to which I had never been. until this summer.

while I found out the news of the fellowship that will help send me to rwanda several weeks ago, I am now just comfortable telling others about it. of course, select people found out earlier, but it's taken me some time to be comfortable with the thought myself. now that I'm in the midst of planning the trip and my research while I'm there, I've been forced to become much more comfortable.

the timing of thinking of all of this isn't necessarily the best, as I am about to take on two papers (research and writing) in addition to regular coursework and grading and teaching. nevertheless, this is a great opportunity and, finally, I'll be there.

I'm trying to stay away from all of those thoughts of how important this trip is for future research and how this really is what I'm going to do for a career. right now, it's time to focus on my work and planning.

getting my study on.

2007-04-08T16:14:00.000-07:00

another day of spring break, another day of working on my paper. in fact, this has to be the last day of working on this paper, as it is due tomorrow. I'm not super happy about the paper, but I suppose that part of that dissatisfaction is due to the fact that the paper hasn't come about naturally (i.e. the ideas haven't been mulling in my head for that long) and I'm not all that confident in what it is that I'm saying. it certainly is difficult to be 100 percent about something as theoretical as nationalism, let alone nationalism in rwanda, a place that I've yet to travel to.

and now, back to the paper. it's time to finish!

photography. power.

2007-03-27T21:01:00.000-07:00

not all that long ago (though sometimes it seems as if it was not something that I actually did), I wrote a dissertation about photography and what an image can relay to its viewer. (the collection that I wrote about was Gilles Peress's The Silence, an amazing collection from and around Rwanda during hte genocide.) today, the nyt has an article (listed below) in its arts section about another war photographer, James Nachtwey. it reminds of the kind of theory that I engaged in, the stretching of my mind that I enjoy. if I end up playing this academic game, I would like to, at some point, shift my attention to exploring photography and violence a bit more. someday. until then, I've got a paper to research, think about more, and write...all in 10 days time.

World’s Cruelty and Pain, Seen in an Unblinking Lens

If this were a perfect world, everybody would see the photographer James Nachtwey’s astonishing shows at the United Nations and at 401 Projects in the West Village.

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James Nachtwey

Medics with a wounded marine in Iraq, included in “The Sacrifice,” a show at 401 Projects in the West Village.

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James Nachtwey

Lek, a patient with AIDS and tuberculosis, in Thailand. Tending to her is Father Michael Bassano, whose hand is seen, lower right. This picture is part of “World Free of TB,” an exhibition at the United Nations.

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James Nachtwey

Derek McGinnis, who lost a leg in Iraq, tries surfing for the first time, in Pismo Beach, Calif., October 2006. The photograph is part of James Nachtwey’s “Sacrifice” series.

Sadly, as Mr. Nachtwey knows, this isn’t a perfect world, a point he brings home in the work shown here. “Inferno,” the title of a 1999 book of the photographs he shot in Kosovo, Rwanda and other hellholes, aptly describes the horror in these two exhibitions.

For years, in Time magazine and elsewhere, he has demonstrated the good uses to which art can be put. Since 2000, he has crisscrossed Southeast Asia and Africa, documenting the resurgence of tuberculosis related to the global AIDS epidemic. (The show at the Visitors Center at the United Nations was timed to coincide with World TB Day last Saturday.) He has also photographed the war wounded in Iraq, where he himself was injured by a grenade a few years ago, and traveled with Medevac units to field hospitals and emergency rooms.

The series of Iraq pictures, some of which were first published in National Geographic, are called “The Sacrifice.” The title refers to the medics and physicians who treat everyone, including wounded insurgents. The insurgents are given goggles so they can’t see and later seek out to kill the Iraqi translators helping the medics, for which reason Mr. Nachtwey doesn’t photograph translators. He does photograph an Iraqi child mangled in a suicide attack: the boy is screaming beneath his oxygen mask.

The title also refers to American soldiers whose work daily forces them to play Russian roulette with roadside bombs, soldiers regularly sacrificed in the war. Mr. Nachtwey devised a collage of photos (grainy, black-and-white, shot under the fluorescent glare of military trauma centers) suggesting the choreographed chaos in which American doctors tend to failing patients. The last of the pictures, a mordant coda, shows a dead soldier on a gurney under a blanket, a chaplain’s arm reaching into the frame and holding up a dog tag.

It matters not a little that Mr. Nachtwey is such an artful composer of images, that his work, although almost too painful to look at, is so graphic and eloquent. He snaps a picture just at the moment that the arms of rushing, dodging medics trading scalpels and scissors form a perfect zigzag of thrusting lines ending with a nurse pressing a fist into a patient’s head wound — the punctum of the image, to borrow Roland Barthes’s term. The nurse’s gesture has a strangeness that carries something of the quality of grace.

He finds the same encapsulating detail, concentrated by simple geometry, in a photograph of two doctors. (You just see their arms.) They’re gingerly examining the spine of a rail-thin woman with AIDS; she is sitting on the floor and facing away from Mr. Nachtwey so that only her bare left foot, leathered, turned toward the camera, reveals her advanced age. One of the doctors presses his index finger into her back — another memorable motion, subtly conveying care and dignified by the stately, condensed order of the picture.

Beauty is a vexed matter in scenes of suffering, cruelty and death. The difference between exploitation and public service comes down to whether the subject of the image aids the ego of the photographer more than the other way around. The two are not mutually exclusive.

Along with bravery and perseverance, Mr. Nachtwey’s pictorial virtue makes him a model war photographer. He doesn’t mix up his priorities. His goal is to bear witness, because somebody must, and his pictures, devised to infuriate and move people to action, are finally about us, and our concern or lack of it, at least as much they are about him and his obvious talents.

He finds heroes in the most woebegone spots. These are the soldiers and the doctors and the aid workers, but also the wives, mothers, children and priests who try to ease the pain of the afflicted.

In Thailand, north of Bangkok, he came across an American priest named Michael Bassano who spends endless days with the most desperate of AIDS patients, massaging their feet, changing their diapers, helping them die. Their flesh clings like cellophane to their bones, and their eyes roll up in their heads. In one photograph Father Bassano’s arm just barely extends into the lower right corner of the frame, clasping the tiny wrist of a young woman named Lek. She stares doe-eyed back at him, as if from the grave.

And I hardly know what to say about three remarkable photographs of an orphaned 12-year-old Cambodian peasant named Va Ling. Barefoot, he leads a small procession down a dirt road, clutching to his chest the wedding photo of his dead 33-year-old mother, Am Nita.

Elsewhere, she is a flesh-draped skeleton on a bier, utterly unrecognizable; his head shaved, Va Ling closes her eyes for her, a gesture in which you see him grow up all at once. In the third picture, he stands before her funeral pyre, engulfed in smoke, wearing a loose white sash, a swatch of rough black cloth pinned at his shoulder. He is lost in thought.

Beside that photograph at the United Nations is a vitrine displaying the medicine that, at modest cost (about $20 per patient per month), could eradicate tuberculosis if the drugs were properly distributed and taken; but they aren’t, because of corruption, politics and ignorance. With the pictures, the message is devastating.

Mr. Nachtwey’s work about the war wounded in Iraq is no less haunted. Finding the most human detail amid chaos, he photographs an unconscious soldier on the operating table at the instant his wedding band is removed from his hand. He photographs Brian Price, an Army sergeant wounded by an improvised explosive device in Ramadi, wincing on a gurney, the camera focused on the name of the soldier’s four-month-old daughter, Ashlynn Jaide, tattooed in script over his heart.

In a separate image a nurse lifts and turns the limp Sergeant Price over. His back has several small holes. The scene is like a Pietà. You read in the nurse’s fallen face the sudden realization that the soldier’s spine has been severed.

And at a military hospital in Germany, Mr. Nachtwey found Pvt. Andrew Bouwma in a coma, watched over by his stunned parents. His mother, Kandi, smiling in her University of Wisconsin sweatshirt, gently caresses his hair. His father, Jim, sunglasses perched on his head, rubs one eye and leans with his other hand on the railing of the bed for support. A chaplain’s hand, extending into the picture, touches Andrew’s shoulder. They’re praying. It’s frozen drama, like a Jeff Wall staging, but true. Breathing through a respirator, eyes shut, Private Bouwma looks heartbreakingly young.

Is this how these men would wish to be remembered? Are the pictures an invasion of privacy?

That was the Bush administration’s excuse for prohibiting photographs of returning coffins. But then there’s the argument made at the opening of the show at 401 by a ex-marine who lost his right arm in Iraq. (He was among a number of veterans who stopped by the gallery, a nonprofit space devoted to this sort of exceptional photographic projects, to pay tribute to Mr. Nachtwey.) The marine said he thought these pictures should be on billboards in Times Square so that everybody would know what’s really happening over there, and nobody could miss seeing them.

Wouldn’t that be something? Public art of real consequence and quality for a change, bringing home a war that the whole country is conducting but that only the small percentage of families in the volunteer military experience firsthand. There would be no chance to turn the page or flip the channel or skip the exhibition.

If the AIDS pictures were blown up onto billboards too, there would be no sanctuary from images like the one of the black stick-figure man in a white-walled hospital in Zimbabwe, struggling alone down a narrow, bending corridor to a shower for lack of a doctor’s or nurse’s help.

Nor would there be any way to avoid the photograph of Derek McGinnis, an amputee from Iraq, on Pismo Beach in California, under a leaden sky, leaning over, his head obscured behind his surfboard, so that man, prosthesis, surfboard and fin make a perfect right angle. It’s an amazing image. He’s a modern-day Discobolus.

That’s a redemptive sight, celebrating a brave soldier who survived the inferno and made the best out of what he had left. We would prefer not to see him, perhaps, but Mr. Nachtwey calls us out in our discomfort and neglect.

The least we should do is not look away.

works against the greyness

2007-03-24T00:01:00.000-07:00

though spring has come to madison (finally), today is one of those grey, chilly spring days...perfect for staying in with a cup of coffee and a stack of work. to help break through that greyness, I'm listening to a bit of the pipettes. their music is a definite boost to combat work stress.

check it. rock it. enjoy.

breathing

2007-03-19T19:28:00.000-07:00

it's that time of the semester. the time where I feel a slight tightening in my chest, where I feel slightly on edge, where tears are quick to spring to the eyes. maybe this time has come a bit earlier with my TA duties and the fact that I have major paper due in three weeks (that I haven't started). whatever it is, this feeling is nearly paralyzing. skipped yoga to have a bit of nap (desperately needed), but am feeling off kilter. am going to try and get on with it...finish plato reading and then on to the book for violence. really not sure how I'm going to get through the next couple of months. breathe, breathe, breathe.

self-doubt has undermined many. I'm certain of it.

ah, truffle time.

2007-03-16T16:07:00.000-07:00

sitting in swim cafe trying to get through this book by tilly and gang. (yay for academics countering themselves later on in their careers; I love to read both the early and late works. it shows me that even the smartest of thinkers is not always perfect all the time.) after a yummy salad and tea, I've hit a slump. so, adhering to british tradition, I'm having a bit of tea. this version of tea is a small cup of dark roast and an irish cream truffle. this truffle is so good that it alone inspired this blog. yes, I should be getting on with this book (especially since I have 3 chapters left before yoga in a couple of hours), but I had to share the joy. get yourself to swim (if you can) and buy one (or two!) of these bits of heaven que je les adore.

a couple of bits from the times

2007-03-07T18:55:00.000-08:00

two articles from the nyt that are of interest, at least enough for me to blog them. (with my recent history of non-blogging, that is something.)

the first is about college publications that feature sex in a multitude of iterations. vassar's squirm was the first among the haughty east coast schools, first published in 2000. I remember when the publication came out that there were some people who were a little shocked. for the most part, I don't think anyone was really that surprised. it was vassar, after all.

the second is to note the passing of m. jean baudrillard, whose work on photography I drew from for my thesis at goldsmith's. r.i.p. jean.

first conference...

2007-03-01T15:52:00.000-08:00

mind you, I'm not presenting a paper or anything, but tomorrow and saturday I will be attending (in bits and pieces) my first political science conference. I wouldn't be going if my friend arjun (from vassar, now at minnesota in poli sci) wasn't presenting. and hey, I'm always up for some chicago time...

anyway, it will be an interesting experience, I'm sure. maybe it will provide some amusing stories to share.

it's been some time...

2007-02-22T21:53:00.000-08:00

mostly because I've been a bit overwhelmed with the semester, mostly because I spent a good deal of january in chicago, mostly because I sometimes feel like I haven't much to say. but nevertheless, that's that.

so, it's semester two of the ph.d. gig. this semester has proven to be quite interesting even in the first month...am TAing for the first time, have written a couple of fellowship applications (which could mean some tough decisions will need to be made), and I'm taking three seminars, for which I'll have to write substantial papers (three article quality bits...mmm...). ryan and I have a new roommate; also interesting. and I'm really into forrest yoga, which is more intense and challenging than the hatha class I was taking last semester. I feel really good afterwards and I'm hoping the class will help heal my feet (still twinges of plantar fasciitis) before it gets warm and I start running again. (october and the chicago marathon aren't that far away!) all is great with mct...we've been able to see each other every two weeks, which helps keep us, well, us. chatting on the phone can only do so much. and after being together for a year (whoa), one's mind tends to think the inevitable question: 'where is this going?' I don't know that either of us know right now, especially since I will not be in chi for some years, but there are things to think of. I'm having some twinges of missing my sisters presently, so some phone time should be put in to all of them. have heard from my grandmother that baby haydn is 'so smart.' yes, I think she says that about all of us. who doesn't want to hear a bit of that every now and again?

so, that's my bit of rambling for the first post of 2007. maybe I'll be a bit more regular, maybe I won't. right now, it's time to sit down to a bit of tea and whatever book I need to read for my state & society seminar. thursday night...

the end of 2006.

2006-12-31T15:22:00.000-08:00

here it is, my reflection on 2006, much like those many other posts out there that people construct in thinking about the year coming to the end with another just hours away. why is it that we celebrate such an occasion with such reverence each year? the posing of this question doesn't mean that I am proposing an end to such a thing. I heart nye, as most people know quite well. memories of nye are often fond ones and are most often filled with friends. additionally, I think it's important for everyone to pause at some point (be in on december 31 or on another day) and think about how they have changed over the year (or reflected period of time).

2006 has been something of big changes. obviously, moving from chicago, trying to find my place in madison, trying to find my place in the world of academia (or begin to figure out how to do so), those have been some big changes, changes that I am still adjusting to and sorting out continuously. madison will likely sort itself out sooner than later; I'll find a new abode for the next academic year, I'll become a part of a new neighborhood, I'll be more settled with a friend circle. the academic bit, well, that will likely not be 'sorted' for some time. there is so much between now and the end of the program, and that end really is only a beginning. so there's that bit. the other category of big change has come with my being with mct. it's no secret to anyone that it took me some time to recover from the blow of pete, appropriately so, I suppose. it takes time to heal yourself and be prepared and willing to trust an investment of your heart to someone new. it's taken me some time and in no way has everything been made hunky dory (those darn doubts that enter my mind everyone once and a while, as foolish as they are), but I think that I've made some great progress in being with mct this year.

I know I've changed in other ways, but those are the two big categories into which my life is currently sorted. others will cross my mind as the evening proceeds and as the new year begins. high and low, I'm thankful for it all.

j'ai fini!

2006-12-21T21:36:00.000-08:00

at 4.45p, I turned in my french exam, left van hise, and took a big breathe...finished! there were several times during the semester that I was not sure if I should be here or if I would make it. but here I am, done, and sitting about with my roommate tim after a lovely dinner. really must get on with the laundry and packing, as I'm leaving for chicago tomorrow morning. while I have much to do over break (research for a prof, a couple of fellowship applications, reading for a possible dissertation topic), I'm exicted to actually spend time with mct for a good three weeks, knit, run, yoga, see friends, and breathe. will be home for almost five days, which is bound to be stressful in its own special way. nevertheless, lots of fun with my sisters and the babies...:) I wouldn't trade that for anything.

on with the prepping for my month away from mad and spending time with tim on our last night of living together. :(

a more fun time...

2006-12-11T23:28:00.000-08:00

my sister jessica just forwarded this photo taken of us in des moines, where we had traveled (in our rockin' rental, a rav 4, which we were given by our super nice car rental agent) for a high school friend's wedding. this photo was four months ago, ie before grad school, ie before I spent these next 10 days working my arse off to finish (hopefully well) and spend the holiday with family and friends (and considerable time with mct).

can procrastinate no longer. really need to get this IR paper d-o-n-e.

presenting hayden leo

2006-11-30T11:18:00.000-08:00

a photo of my new nephew. at 20 inches and 5 lbs 13 oz, he's a little bundle, but a cute one!

an aunt again!

2006-11-30T01:09:00.000-08:00

on november 29, 2006, at approximately 11.42pm, my sister carina gave birth to her first child, hayden leo. according to annie, both carina and hayden are well. no photos yet to post, but there will definitely be plently once I get home from christmas.

congratulations to carina and justin! (and many wishes of patience, coordinated sleep schedules, and endurance for the next several months...)

thanksgiving 2006

2006-11-27T00:13:00.000-08:00

thanksgiving. a holiday for loved ones, yummy food, and a bit of respite from the busy, busy world. (that is, if you avoid all black friday activities.) well, not this year, people. this year, I spent thanksgiving with a lot of new people (aside from ryan and amanda). a short drive from madison to chicago and there ry and I were, in the smack middle of a thanksgiving celebration of other thanksgiving orphans. all in all, it was a great time, but not the typical thanksgiving. and while I had such great spirits for the day, there were a couple of moments in which I ached for old friends. alas, such is what happens in our growing up years. I did have some yummy food and yes, the turkey was great. (tday is, after all, the only day that I eat the bird.)

a bit of respite was knocked out by the paper draft that I worked on for my transitional justice and political memory class (as mct only refers to as 'tj.' he's down with the poli sci lingo.) I don't know if it was a shift of hormones or the desire for a bit more rest, but this was not my weekend to try and pull together some original thought. I know that I put a lot of pressure on myself, but eee gads, this was not pretty. not pretty at all. lots of talk about being uncertain about the ph.d. gig, lots of tears, lots of stomach pains. what I sent my class is absolute shite and, joy of joy, I will be receiving comments during class tomorrow. how I sent something so awful to my class is beyond me; really, it was just something that I had to do to end the madness in which I had become engulfed. hopefully those bad feelings will not plague me when I finish the paper. hopefully the comments will pull me back on track. hopefully I won't want to quit for at least another four weeks (ie after the semester has ended).

bits and pieces

2006-11-16T13:45:00.000-08:00

taking a 'break'/procrastinating some research. though there are only five weeks until everything has to be done, I'm living in a bit of denial of how tough this all going to be. will force myself to realize this weekend...that is, after a quick trip to chi to see a couple of friends.

quick update of things:

voted for the first time ever at a polling place. all previous voting had been done via absentee.

had a couple of friends visit madison. derek came in to interview at the b school, as he's super keen on getting in to their security analysis program (or something equally esoteric). dinner with him was followed by seeing kate and michael! they drove eight hours from msp (the joys of the first snow in wisconsin). kate and I drank (most) of these huge beers, a genuine feat for us both.

the next day was spent strolling down state street (the only valid thing that I know of to do with visitors. sad, eh?) and exploring the eastern tip of campus (where I spend most of my time.) while I made kate and michael sit under this sign, I still think that it's funny.

plans for the weekend are as follows: henna tattos and a show by the changes here in madison. (the first show that I'll attend here. I have been missing it (the 'scene') all too much.) up early on sat for the bus to chi, and then brunch with marci and nickie. after some of marci's domestic divaness, we'll be going to the diy craftshow to support amanda in her craftster debut! and then, at some point, seeing josh and meeting mneesha. bus back to mad and then long days of w-o-r-k. these papers aren't going to write themselves, after all.

now that I only have 3.5 hours until class, I must lock myself into the microfiche room and stare and small, small print.

oh, ethnicity, identity, memory, violence.

2006-11-03T20:49:00.000-08:00

key words for my 'career.' in the midst of revising my research proposal for a major fellowship, I'm questioning my own understand of these concepts. critical theory on a friday night = an aching brain and a questioning of confidence.

best news ever!

2006-10-31T18:38:00.000-08:00

maybe not 'ever' per se, but definitely of this very moment. just as I was mourning the end of roctober (a monthlong celebration of kate nolan), she lets me know that in fact, she'll be in madison in two weeks for the weekend. fantastic. love it. so so so excited! tolan is coming to madison...

the importance of being generous

2006-10-18T14:46:00.000-07:00

the marathon is in one, two, three, four days. four days until I run a marathon that I most definitely am not properly trained for. (thank you weekends of being of waitress and a major life event.) nevertheless, I am running it. I always do my best to fulfill my commitments and I've yet to let anything stop me from running any of the races before. (even dublin, when I passed out a couple of nights before the race due to a lack of food.) I also don't want to disappoint anyone; the aids marathon program, my marathon friends, my friends who have supported me all of this time, myself.

I just checked on my fundraising total, the minimum which I had yet to reach until today. checking in on my site, I realized just how rad members of my cohort are. several people gave quite generously. it's really nice to know that people who hardly know me are willing to show their support, both in words and financially. it's also nice to see that people are willing to give to a worthy cause, even when they are in dire financial straits. all in all, it's just a nice feeling that I have now. I will be tapping into all of this goodness come sunday.

gorgeous high

2006-10-07T12:40:00.000-07:00

on the walk home
Originally uploaded by jlpetersen.

after waking up a bit later than I had wanted (I wanted to be up at 8.00a on a saturday morning. I need to be stopped.), I had a lovely yoga class, went to the farmer's market at the capitol to buy some tomatoes (little yellow grape ones, perfect for snacking) and onions, picked up some scones, and sat outside with an americano, soaking in the sunshine and working on some extra french exercises. an absolutely goregous day in madison, it really makes you think about other beautiful things in life. after a few minutes at home, I'm rushing out (with books in tow) to enjoy a bit more of this loveliness. though I am bogged down in work, I don't feel it at all. not yet at least. it's nice to have that burden off of me for a bit.

les manzanas!

2006-10-07T12:36:00.000-07:00

les manzanas!
Originally uploaded by jlpetersen.

yummy, sweet, crisp. why again didn't I buy any of these?

hand holding

2006-10-05T13:36:00.000-07:00

I would be interested in this article if I wasn't a part of a couple. (it is a part of the nyt thursday style section, after all.) I'm likely more interested in it because I so enjoy holding hands with mct. it is a glowing feeling to hold the hand of someone you truly appreciate. sigh.

A Simple Show of Hands

ON a brisk autumn afternoon, in the shadow of the marble arch in Washington Square Park, a couple visiting from Ohio walked along holding hands like two teenagers going steady, decades after “going steady” went out of vogue.

When a stranger asked why they had chosen to join hands during their stroll, the man, Dave Findlay, looked at his wife of seven years and answered in a word: “Connection.”

Or as the Beatles sang back in 1963: “When I’ll feel that something, I want to hold your hand.”

Those simple lyrics turned an expression of teenage longing and first romantic steps into a No. 1 hit. Yet today, when Justin Timberlake is at the top of the charts with “SexyBack” and the digital airwaves are filled with steamy lyrical declarations (“I’m into havin’ sex, I ain’t into makin’ love” sang 50 Cent in “In da Club”), couples like Dave and Carey Findlay still intertwine fingers, kiss palms and link pinkies as they meander through parks, cross streets and snake through crowds.

“Hand-holding is the one aspect that’s not been affected by the sexual revolution,” said Dalton Conley, a professor and chairman of the department of sociology at New York University. “It’s less about sex than about a public demonstration about coupledom.”

Nowadays hand-holding has attracted the interest of scientists who are studying its effects on the body and mind. And sexual health educators say it is a much-discussed topic among gay students who now publicly hold hands more than ever before but still must consider whether they want to declare their sexuality.

“I think it remains more important in an era of perhaps more liberal sexual norms,” Dr. Conley said. “It remains this thing to be doled out.”

To hold someone’s hand is to offer them affection, protection or comfort. It is a way to communicate that you are off the market. Practically speaking, it is an efficient way to squeeze through a crowd without losing your partner. People do it during vigils, marches, weddings and funerals.

Usually it connotes something innocuous and sweet about a couple and their relationship. In rare instances, it takes on added potency, such as when President George W. Bush held the hand of Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia in Crawford, Tex., last year — an act of respect and affection in Arab countries — reminding some people of the film “Fahrenheit 9/11,” which depicted the Bush family’s close business ties to Saudi leaders and which ignited conspiracy theories.

But, over all, few things are more innocent than a child grabbing the hand of a parent, for protection, direction and, as Mr. Findlay put it, connection. And with many children these days closer and more outwardly affectionate to their parents, chances are you have spotted a mother and her teenage daughter and perhaps even a father and his adolescent son ambling through a mall, scurrying through a crosswalk or strolling along, hand in hand.

Adult children and their elderly parents also hold hands, for balance, support and as a sign of love.

As for romantic couples, the opinions about hand-holding are as varied as fingerprints. But most people agree that it has merely changed, not lost favor.

“I think that for sure college students hold hands just like the old days,” said Sandra L. Caron, a professor of family relations and human sexuality at the University of Maine in Orono.

If they do, it is likely only after they are deep into a relationship — not in those early days of budding romance, when a touch of hands was the first act of intimacy between a couple. That was the hand-holding that the Beatles wrote about. (Followed swiftly by the sexual revolution, whose equivalent anthem might be The Rolling Stones’ “Let’s Spend the Night Together.”)

Among more than a half-dozen students at the University of Maine, there seemed to be two universal truths: that hand-holding is the least nauseating public display of affection and that holding hands has become more significant than other seemingly deeper expressions of love and romance.

“It is a lot more intimate to hold hands nowadays than to kiss,” said Joel Kershner, 23. Because of that, he said, reaching for someone’s hand these days has more potential for rejection than leaning in for a smooch at a party where alcohol is flowing.

Libby Tyler, 20, said it was “weird that hand-holding is more serious,” but true. “It’s something that you lead up to,” she said.

There is nothing casual about it any more, said Rachel Peters, 22. “Hand-holding is something that usually people do once they’ve confirmed they’re a couple,” she said.

But if that is not complicated enough, where you choose to hold hands also has meaning, the students said.

Drew Fitzherbert, 21, said that public hand-holding “shows that commitment not only to you and your partner but everyone else in the community.”

Dr. Conley of N.Y.U. agreed. “In the dark movie theater, in the dorm room, that’s a very different social act,” he said.

Are people holding hands as much as they once did? That’s impossible to quantify. But Gregory T. Eells, the director of counseling and psychological services at Cornell University in Ithaca, said he didn’t think so.

“I see more people on their cellphone than holding hands,” he said, adding, “To some extent we are trading real face-to-face relationships, where there’s touch and body language, for electronic ones.”

Peter Shawn Bearman, a professor of sociology and the director of the Institute for Social and Economic Research and Policy at Columbia University, said that hand-holding in crowded cities like New York may simply be impractical.

“Maybe if the proportion of hand-holders has indeed gone down it has more to do with density (of humans) than the devaluing of hand-holding as a romantic signal,” he wrote in an e-mail message.

Whatever degree of hand-holding may be happening, there are good reasons to cultivate the habit — reasons would-be hand-graspers may wish to pass along to their hands-in-pockets partners.

“Based on what we’ve seen, when we get more physical intimacy we get better relationships, whether a mother and an infant or a couple,” said Tiffany Field, the director of the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami School of Medicine.

Even monkeys understand the importance of a hand squeeze every now and then. In “Good Natured: The Origins of Right and Wrong in Humans and Other Animals,” Dr. Frans B. M. de Waal, a primatologist at Emory University, wrote that some monkeys hold hands in reconciliation after a fight.

James Coan, an assistant professor of psychology and the neuroscience graduate program at the University of Virginia, has studied the impact of human touch, particularly how it affects the neural response to threatening situations, and said the results of a recent study were more dramatic than he expected.

“We found that holding the hand of really anyone, it made your brain work a little less hard in coping,” Dr. Coan said, adding that any sort of hand-holding relaxes the body.

The study, which will be published this year in the journal Psychological Science, involved 16 couples who were rated happily married based on the answers in a detailed questionnaire. The wives were put inside an M.R.I. machine and were told they were to receive mild electric shocks to an ankle. Brain images showed that regions of the women’s brains that had been activated in anticipation of pain and that were associated with negative emotions decreased when their husbands reached into the machine.

“With spouse hand-holding you also stop looking for other signs of danger and you start feeling more secure,” said Dr. Coan, who led the study. “If you’re in a really strong relationship, you may be protected against pain and stress hormones that may have a damaging effect on your immune system.”

Perhaps it is why so many people crave it.

Blogs and online forums are rife with complaints of those who say their significant other does not want to hold hands. “When we go out, we always have a blast, but the one thing that bothers me is that he never holds my hand in public,” writes a woman on a “love advice” forum on www.lovingyou.com.

For older couples, letting go of hand-holding may be one more sign that they are pressed for time and too swamped for little acts of intimacy.

“When do we make time to hold hands?,” said Dr. Eells of Cornell, talking about his own marriage of 15 years. “Not very often.”

The couple is often busy shuttling children to and from school and extracurricular activities, not strolling through parks like characters in a Georges Seurat painting.

Sometimes, though, even errands provide opportunities. Recently, Dr. Eells said, he and his 9-year-old daughter were caught in a downpour after her cheerleading practice. The two grabbed hands and raced off into the rain together. When they finally splashed over to the car, the damp girl turned her face to her father. “That was awesome,” she sighed.

three weeks down...

2006-09-22T10:25:00.000-07:00

the ellipsis in the title of this post is to note that, while three weeks of the first semester are 'done,' there are many weeks ahead. if all weeks are as exhausting as this one, in which I spent a good deal of energy battling demons and trying not to want to give up, then this is going to be a long program. the ph.d. gig makes me feel uncertain about so many things in my life and about myself. it forces me to question just how intelligent I am, what my limits are (emotionally, intellectually, physcially), and the shape that I want to bring to my life. I know that I am capable of doing this, but I sometimes wonder when someone says 'when.'

it's going to be three busy years until I finish prelims.

09.11.06

2006-09-11T15:54:00.000-07:00

an editorial from the times that I think says more about today then many would admit to.

Editorial
9/11/06

Published: September 11, 2006

The feelings of sadness and loss with which we look back on Sept. 11, 2001, have shifted focus over the last five years. The attacks themselves have begun to acquire the aura of inevitability that comes with being part of history. We can argue about what one president or another might have done to head them off, but we cannot really imagine a world in which they never happened, any more than we can imagine what we would be like today if the Japanese had never attacked Pearl Harbor.

What we do revisit, over and over again, is the period that followed, when sorrow was merged with a sense of community and purpose. How, having lost so much on the day itself, did we also manage to lose that as well?

The time when we felt drawn together, changed by the shock of what had occurred, lasted long beyond the funerals, ceremonies and promises never to forget. It was a time when the nation was waiting to find out what it was supposed to do, to be called to the task that would give special lasting meaning to the tragedy that it had endured.

But the call never came. Without ever having asked to be exempt from the demands of this new post-9/11 war, we were cut out. Everything would be paid for with the blood of other people’s children, and with money earned by the next generation. Our role appeared to be confined to waiting in longer lines at the airport. President Bush, searching the other day for an example of post-9/11 sacrifice, pointed out that everybody pays taxes.

That pinched view of our responsibility as citizens got us tax cuts we didn’t need and an invasion that never would have occurred if every voter’s sons and daughters were eligible for the draft. With no call to work together on some effort greater than ourselves, we were free to relapse into a self- centeredness that became a second national tragedy. We have spent the last few years fighting each other with more avidity than we fight the enemy.

When we measure the possibilities created by 9/11 against what we have actually accomplished, it is clear that we have found one way after another to compound the tragedy. Homeland security is half-finished, the development at ground zero barely begun. The war against terror we meant to fight in Afghanistan is at best stuck in neutral, with the Taliban resurgent and the best economic news involving a bumper crop of opium. Iraq, which had nothing to do with 9/11 when it was invaded, is now a breeding ground for a new generation of terrorists.

Listing the sins of the Bush administration may help to clarify how we got here, but it will not get us out. The country still hungers for something better, for evidence that our leaders also believe in ideas larger than their own political advancement.

Today, every elected official in the country will stop and remember 9/11. The president will remind the country that he has spent most of his administration fighting terrorism, and his opponents will point out that Osama bin Laden is still at large. It would be miraculous if the best of our leaders did something larger — expressed grief and responsibility for the bad path down which we’ve gone, and promised to work together to turn us in a better direction.

Over the last week, the White House has been vigorously warning the country what awful things would happen in Iraq if American troops left, while his critics have pointed out how impossible the current situation is. They are almost certainly both right. But unless people on both sides are willing to come up with a plan that acknowledges both truths and accepts the risk of making real-world proposals, we will be stuck in the same place forever.

If that kind of coming together happened today, we could look back on Sept. 11, 2006, as more than a day for recalling bad memories and lost chances.

9/11/06 editorial from nyt

ode to procrastination

2006-09-10T21:27:00.000-07:00

good god, here I am in the state of procrastination that has plauged so much of my educational career. what am I procrastinating right now? my french homework. it seems that after five years of not studying french I have forgotten how to do so. in addition, this class requires a lot of time for me to fully get the most of out it. so, what does that mean? well, I guess it means that once I've got things sorted with the rest of my schedule (changing class twice in a week means that you don't start the reading as soon as you likely would), I will be getting down to the nitty gritty of french.

that being said, I'm one week into my grad school career. the weight of following this program struck me during my thursday meeting with my advisor. we talked about what I need to do to take my prelims in three years, what I need to do to be a good candidate in the academic market, how my seminar papers will be put in for publication and for conference presentations. whoa. thinking about it is a bit unnerving and exciting, two sensations that, though I crave them, demand a good deal of emotional energy.

so, one week into classes and I've been here for three weeks. matthew is to come to madison this weekend. we haven't seen each other since he moved me up here as he's been in stockholm and copenhagen for a conference and mini holiday. it's been too long for both of us and, despite my best intentions, I began to think back to the beginning of my time in london when pete and I were attempting a long distance relationship. the fear of a similar outcome can only be curbed when I remind myself that madison is much closer to chicago and matt is definitely not pete.

now that I've got that out of my system, I really must get on with this bloody essay. what a girl will do to learn the language that will one day be essential for her research. (and yes, I did just write that. scary.)

my first appearance at north hall!

2006-08-26T17:11:00.000-07:00

my first appearance at north hall!
Originally uploaded by jlpetersen.

well people, here I am, in madison. (guess that means that I should add 'madison' to the title of this blog. whoa, crazy.) with the first week of being in madison completed, I'm trying to hunker down into the actuality of living here. it's not chicago, it's not a large city, I don't have a huge network of friends (or even a few friends yet, though I am coming to know my roommates more and more each day)...all of those realizations that come and smack you about in the first few days/weeks/months of being in a new space. but as I continually remind myself, I can't remain stagnant. if I'm going to get my ph.d. and do something that I truly care about, I have to be here. so, I must grow, breathe, and learn. sometimes it feels more difficult than I'd like it to be. but such is.

people continue to ask me 'how is madison?' and I know that there should be more excitement in my voice. honestly though, I can't muster it right now. there is all of that uncertainity of what this will all be like right now, all of the settling, and that is just what comes to the top of my voice when I respond, 'fine.' at some point my enthusiasm to be in a top program, working with some amazing people, being shaped into an 'academic' will take over (as will the exhaustion from doing all of that). but not yet.

orientation is this week, which means a lot of filling in forms, socializing with the other first-year students in the poli sci department, buying books (there are a lot of them!), sorting out other admin bits. it also means that I'm one week closer to classes, one week closer to getting into a routine. and right now, I'm really looking forward to that.

I'll keep you all posted more on this transition. scary transitions, after all, seem to be when I do best with my blogging. I hope that this finds my friends in all corners of the world well.

mct and me

2006-07-25T13:27:00.000-07:00

mct and me
Originally uploaded by jlpetersen.

our first photo. aw.

on jennie's day

2006-07-25T13:26:00.000-07:00

on jennie's day
Originally uploaded by jlpetersen.

isn't she lovely? happy wedding jen!

tara!

2006-07-25T13:25:00.000-07:00

tara!
Originally uploaded by jlpetersen.

this photo was taken a month ago. though it's posted a bit late, it is no less important. such a lovely afternoon, even if we did just chat outside of o'hare.

one year ago

2006-07-07T11:26:00.000-07:00

a year ago, I was in london, in russell square, at the gym, putting off a trip to the british library to work on the disseration. seeing the news of electrical bursts on the underground be realized as bombings on three london trains and one bus was unnerving. collecting my belongings from the locker room, getting texts from my friends making sure I was okay, attempting to find a taxi to take me to kate's flat in chalk farm, wandering across north london until I finally arrived, being scared, confused, and shocked. the process of working up the nerve to get on the bus the next morning.

how different life can be one year from another. my thoughts are with the city of london and its people today.

a guardian story on the attacks

two months and counting

2006-06-15T21:21:00.000-07:00

when I began writing this blog, the number of days that had past since my departure from chicago for london were a focal point of each entry measuring my experience, perhaps even my growth. today, as I wrote the date '15 june 2006' on a form at the doctor's office, I realized that I have reached a date that I didn't think would come so quickly. but here it is...june 15. it's the date that I had set in my head as something of a deadline to begin having a conversation with m about what happens in two months when I pack away my life and leave chicago, yet again. this time, the stakes feel a bit higher as my commitment is of considerable more weight and this relationship has reached some emotional levels that I had not expected.

growing is painful sometimes.

old school remembrances

2006-05-16T23:05:00.000-07:00

recently, I tracked down and emailed one of my best friends from high school. I don't know what prompted me to even look for her, but there was something that sparked and there I was, emailing her. I just received a response today, in which she admitted that she had tried to find me on myspace. that comment led me to go to myspace and take a look at her profile to, in that cyberspace sort of way, catch up with an old friend without really 'catching up.' anyway, this led me to navigate about the site and look in on the lives of other people from my small town community. interesting where some people have ended up. quite weird to get some partial sense of these people from their self-selected profile information. it was nice to see what some people have been doing. but, in browsing the listing of those people who went to my high school, it was also sad, in some ways, to see where some of these people are or are not. (I know that this sounds a bit elitest; I don't know how to not have such a tone and say this.)

lakshmi asked me last week how I felt about growing up in a small town. I did not know how to respond to the question because, to be quite honest, I don't know. it's not something that I really think about. of course I have the standard, 'it was nice to live in a place where everyone knows you but it was also hard with the small town politics,' a response that I consider to be well-rounded. since moving from kingsley, I have rarely thought about my growing up in context of my hometown but more so in context of my family and the situations bred within. perhaps the most telling of how I feel about small town living is my thought that I would never raise a child in such an environment. is that so wrong?

pre-sleep thoughts

2006-05-11T00:46:00.000-07:00

I'm quite knackered and overly fed (lakshmi and I made yummy veg lasagna tonight; I ate more than my fair share), so going to sleep shouldn't be too difficult of a task. just some things floating around in my head that I've yet to put out here.

- in the beginning of marathon training again. feeling really good about my runs thus far. must remember that this kind of exertion makes one want to eat more. this is okay.
-am in the midst of training as a server at a posh hotel's restaurant. the location would seem like this place is ideal for making money. I've heard stories otherwise. here's hoping this turns around once I'm actually on the floor for myself. (here's also hoping that whatever my hours are doesn't suck away too much time with the boy.)
-really quite happy with m. he is working quite hard, which I assume is the norm for a first-year faculty member in the midst of teaching and getting his lab set up. a very good look at reality for what will likely be my own life in seven-eight years.
-saw my ex-boyfriend for the first time in the city. chance sighting at a bookstore that we've run into each other before (many moons ago). though my reaction surprises some of my friends, the only thing that I can really identifying feeling was that harsh reality that he in fact is in this city and exists. not that I don't know that (obviously) but being in his physical presence was just...well, weird.
-just found out that I will not be able to defer a loan that I took out to go to london when I start school in the fall. really, they expect me to be able to pay $175 a month when I'm on a grad student stipend? and what of when I'm in the middle of africa doing field study? this realization has only led me to think, 'well, I could take another loan from the federal government to pay off this loan.' eee gads people; money can sometimes feel like it only complicates matters.
-last sunday was 'jessica petersen appreciation day' at the church that my sister is working at this year. I've yet to hear how the fesitivities went off, but just enjoy the idea that some collective marked a day to pay homage to my sister. a bit odd, but cool, I suppose.
-getting back into french with some self-motivated self-tutoring before signing on for classes next month at alliance francaise. while exciting and fun to remember a lot of this, my mind swirls with the amount of work I've yet to do.

I've rambled a bit and now my eyelids are indeed droopy. off to bed.

thinking through things

2006-04-25T23:53:00.000-07:00

it's funny how superhuman of an ideal that I have come to expect of myself. I say this in the midst/aftermath of thinking through situations in which I should exceed much higher than others, moreso in terms of expectations but also somewhat in reality. and it's not that I've failed. but the fear of that failure, of diverting off of my plan...well, that's powerful stuff.

madison, et cetera

2006-04-06T00:28:00.000-07:00

the most recent grand happening was my trip to madison. at least, that's what was billed to be. not that the city/university/people disappointed. but already, I'm ahead of myself.

as some of you know, it has been difficult for me to actually talk about my beginning studying at madison come autumn. part of this is rooted in the underlying current of uncertainity in my ability to actually pull off what I have talked about for so long: to study for my doctorate, to make some 'original' contribution to whatever field of scholarship, to actually do something in teaching/academia/the world that matters. it's a scary thing to be offered the opportunity to do the only thing that you really want. it's also a scary thing to think that, yet again, I will move to another 'city' (I've yet to convince myself that madison is in fact a city, though there are over 200,000 there) and again put distance between me and my people of chicago. this is specifically potent with my relationship with m, as is to be somewhat expected from my last experience in moving away and having some romantic interest here. but again, I am ahead of myself. I know not yet what the next five months holds for either of us; I could very well be fretting over something that will not happen. but nevertheless, my scars from the past are there to remind me and, sometimes uninvitingly, guide me in my actions of today. gross.

all in all, the actual being in madison was good in its reality. I met some cool grad students, two who I may be living with despite my original thought of living on my own. the professors who are most closely related to the work that I want to do seem to be excited about my presence in the department. the man who will likely be my advisor (scott straus) does some incredible work closely in line what I want to do; he was greatly encouraging in the logistics of the program: that it can be done in six years (seven is the norm for comparativists), that madison is a great city, that the first year is going to be hard. that's what I need to hear. while the weekend was somewhat tiring, the only thing that really got under my skin was the automatic labeling of who I was by so many of my fellow prospective students. I fully understand that making these distinctions of our scholarship interests lends some degree of understanding a person. it just felt quite off putting to be labeled a 'comparativist' and then dismissed as nothing more. (again, only by some people.) in some ways I understand it, but mostly, I wanted to shake these individuals and say, 'I'm so much more than that.'

so, that's that. all else continues on. temping today was the worst experience thus far in being a dispensable employee. honestly, I did 45 minutes of work. I was given poor information packets, which didn't have the minimal directions of how to transfer calls, and, therefore, have one attorney who doesn't like me. and no one really spoke to me. do people actually live these lives? josh is in chicago for the next 10 days or so before moving to buenos aries. it will be lovely to see him and actually spend some time with him, as it has been so long. seder at the dankoffs is next wednesday and I am quite excited. josi and I are hosting an alternative-to-easter brunch next sunday, at which I will introduce pimm's and lemonade to many a pallete. (yum!) and then grammy comes in the following weekend. hoorah! spring will hopefully come into full swing and, with it, perhaps a better sense of what this life in transition feels like for me.

weeks and weeks

2006-03-24T15:35:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure where my urge to blog has gone, but, as you all well know, it is definitely lacking. such is the beauty of blogging...the ebb and flow of it all. so, as I sit at the receptionist desk of an insurance company, I have plenty of time to write.

there are several great things going on right now. I'll begin with the first bit of this blog, which may prompt the question 'why are you at an insurance company?' as most of you know, I resigned my position at gr, after some major gap in understanding of what my job was between me and my boss. (ie I was not hired to be his family's sick nurse.) the last few weeks at the office were kind of weird, as it is tends to be when your boss isn't speaking to you and one of your 'friends' is also being weird. and then there's all of my working so damn hard and long on projects that were meant to go out before I left and, as I was recently told by a former coworker/friend, have still yet to be delivered to the clients. gross. leaving gr, I was only sad to say goodbye to those coworkers that still have some concept of reality. it seems as if it is so easy to lose this grip on what is okay and acceptable in the workplace when you begin working there. while I have little defense on this position, as I did return to the office, I have to honestly say that I thought there would be some change there. the way my departure went down was hurtful and sad to me but, not totally surprisingly, completely necessary.

so, this week is my first non-gr week in chicago in a long time. I have started temping, hence the receptionist desk and insurance company, and am thinking of finding a server job to fill in some of the nights here and there.

some people may ask how I can just up and quit my job without too much fretting. first off, there was a lot of fretting, but not after a conversation that I had with dg. my quitting was unquestionable after that. secondly, the reason that it is so easy for me to say 'peace' to that toxic space and go about working for misc. offices is because I know I'm going to be starting a doctorate program in autumn. this may be the first that some of you have heard of this; if that is so, my apologies. I began hearing from schools as early as february 13, but didn't want to discuss any decisions that I was going to make until I had heard from all of the schools. so, I have heard from all of the programs and I made a decision, one that has been sparsely publicized as one, no one asks me about where I am going to go and two, I don't know how to go about and tell people what 'the next step' is. deciding to go to madison wasn't the hardest decision; though it is not in a huge city (my geographic preference), I always said that if I was accepted there I would have to go. there are many strengths to the program, one being that there are several people (not just one person) that focus on african studies. and while I am excited, the realization that I will soon begin to do what I have talked about for so long is a bit scary. luckily, I have some good people around me to work through these worries.

in other bits, all is well. I'm spending a good amount of time with my friends, am thinking about how much I need to start the training process again (and soon!), really enjoying my time with m., and planning for my grammy's april trip to chicago. so, things are grand. well, aside from my camera still being broken. maybe that will be next on my to do list.

pickpocketed

2006-03-07T11:51:00.000-08:00

for the first time in chicago, I was pickpocketed on the bus. my wallet (the cute sage one with a pink bird that I bought from rebecca percy...darn it!) was taken out of my zipped bag on the crowded chicago avenue bus. $300 out of the account and a whole slew of work to be done in trying to piece bits and pieces together.

oy, I really wish that I didn't have to direct energy towards this right now. there are too many other things to think of.

alas.

and I'm done.

2006-03-03T11:26:00.000-08:00

as submitted to my boss and the company business manager today. more details to come.

March 3, 2006

Dennis Gragert
Gragert Research
222 W. Ontario Street, Suite 300
Chicago, IL 60610

Dennis:

Effective two weeks from the date of this letter, I will resign my position at Gragert Research.

Sincerely,

Jennifer L. Petersen

domestic diva saturday

2006-02-25T21:01:00.000-08:00

the title of this post may indicate that I spent my entire saturday sewing, cleaning, cooking, and arranging flowers. while this is most definitely not the case (I did work for 6.5 hours, after all), I both began and am ending my day with domestic-esque tasks. (does 'domestic' connote unpleasant? if so, then I must find another word to use, because my tasks have not been so.) I began the day with m. retrieving my clothes from his dryer *cute, eh?* and my folding them. after a bit of work and some coffee house time, I am patiently waiting for my cinnamon/almond/currant bread to rise so that I can put it in the oven and taste the results. (hopefully I proofed the yeast properly...such a fragile thing, yeast is.)

so, while my day has not been filled with domesticy bits, this little bread thing is sticking with me. I do hope that once I'm in my doctorate program that I remember to balance different aspects of my life. it is so easy to get wrapped up in the reading, the writing, the lectures that I sometimes miss simple joys like baking bread. I think I balanced life pretty well in london, but I'm not sure if that's an account of the education system or if that's a factor of more advanced degrees. obviously I won't have time to just loll about all day, but this is a bit of note to myself to take a break in the future and do things that I enjoy and do them for myself.

restaurant news you can use

2006-02-23T13:24:00.000-08:00

at least, bits that are of some importance to me. (and both from gapers block, which I absolutely love. love love love.)

one - hue is closing! one of my favorite spots in chicago is closing...ack! supposedly, they are reopening elsewhere on division, but why, why I ask you, would they give up their space? it's just grand, especially the garden patio in the summer. I have taken so many people here, if hue closes for good, where will I go? (for chicagoans, the restaurant is closing on february 27, so there is a bit of time to still enjoy.)

two - according to a reviewer for gapers block, the milkshakes at chopper, a fast foody place a couple of blocks from my flat, are the bomb diggity. post-shamrock shake (having my first one of the season right now!), I'm all over this place. yum!

some kind of wonderful

2006-02-19T19:31:00.000-08:00

isn't it grand when you realize that your life is at that state were things just feel wonderful? it's so obvious to many that not absolutely everything is in some realm of grandeur, but when enough of the bits of your life fall together just so, it feels like the blase bits are not worth thinking about.

lately, I've been in a somewhat fractured state of my life: feeling some highs and some lows; ever appreciating the present and yet making plans for a different kind of future. why is it once we begin to look ahead here becomes that much more of an enticing place to be?

this may not be a universal principle. it may just be something that seems to happen to me. just when I begin to get ready for a new phase, a time in my life when I require physically displacing myself from where I am, the space in which I exist gains some new shine, some new element that makes it more appealing to stay. now, I am talking about this in big, extreme terms; I am in the midst of appreciating a new person, a really good person, so such absolutes are not totally unexpected. but at what point does life come to some grey area, rather than black and white? and if doesn't reach a static state as such, is that because of uncontrollable elements or is that due to something that I do, unconsiously or otherwise?

the short of it: life is really good right now. I am in a weird state with where I am at work, but other than that and some minor irritation from not working out enough, I am really well. I am busy seeing a lot of my friends and doing a lot of fun things in this wonderful city. I'm dating someone who not only appreciates our time together but respects me as a total person, taking of the pleasantries with the rest of my backstory. and while I have made myself a bit overly socialized as of late, there is some kind of wonderful in knowing that dear friends near and far are there for it all. it's a very blessed space which I occupy.

you know it's been too long since you last blogged...

2006-02-05T23:20:00.000-08:00

when you start feeling guilty in the same way about not mailing or ringing friends.

when the stories you accumulated in your head have been lost to time past.

when your website address doesn't trigger as usual when typing the first letter.

bad news bears folks. I've been a bit out of the internet community world in the last couple of weeks partly to work busy-ness, partly to lending my camera to my sister for her trip to ghana (and leaving me with no way to document the ordinary of chicago; I am looking forward to seeing her photos), and partly due to other bits, those bits being just wanting to sit about rather than write about. lame lame.

on a few quick notes before I snuggle into bed: chicago is finally having a bit of real winter weather (though no real snow); the steelers won the super bowl and I could only imagine ms. amy schier dancing about in her diva-esque way celebrating (congrats ames); there is nearly one month of waiting left before I find out what happens with the rest of my life (ph.d. application decisions; and yes, I know, not entirely the rest of my life...but significantly so); I'm having a bit of inner angst in experiencing something wonderful now and comparing it to something of the past and worrying of the outcome. in all, I'm going to try and flow a bit more and just be. appreciate the present. and just chill the f* out. too much worrying is no good for anyone, especially when I don't have the weather to run it all out.

il neige!

2006-01-17T15:45:00.000-08:00

it's snowing. gloriously snowing. this batch of snowglobe snow should be the setting for a film one, because there has been so little snow this season and two, because it's just gorgeous.

now, this snow may very well complicate my trip home from the gym and my walks to and from the laundromat tonight, but I could care less. I'm a bit idyllic about snow and I'm okay with that.

much more to write about...but that will come later.

oh yes...

2006-01-10T09:59:00.000-08:00

nye
Originally uploaded by jlpetersen.

I am not the most boring person ever. a bit caught in my own idea of how things should be, but not completely lifeless. (a shot of sheila, audrey, and I from nye before the changes show.)

oh, super unfun, wary of the spontaneous me

2006-01-05T01:50:00.000-08:00

though a cute indie boy asked me not more than 25 minutes ago to walk home and make out, I avoided the situation and did my very best to talk him out of it. now, I know that there is a bit of caution that we all should take in life...but do I amplify caution and cause myself to miss out on some fun experiences? (mind you, I'm saying this in general, not just specifically regarding not making out with some random cute guy.) I've always been one to develop a plan or some idea of how I want things to be framed. what happens when a situation pops up that doesn't fit my predesigned scope? seemingly (and maybe this isn't totally true, but it seems to have some great weight), I force it out of my realm so that it doesn't interfere with how I think things should be. so, with this specific situation, I was super wary of bringing someone I didn't know home and I didn't really know if this is something that is all that common. am I really that stiff and boring? even with my psuedo resolution to be a bit more bold, I have, in my first instance to seize the day, if you will, shirked away from it.

good god, even I bore me. even if others tell me that I'm adorable.

oh, 2005...

2005-12-31T19:52:00.000-08:00

another year is drawing to an end. while I have much to say about this year, which will all likely come about in the next few days, once the girls have left :( and some semblance of my life has come back 'round, I do have one quick reflection.

shay asked aud and I what we would remember about 2005. for me, this year has (seemingly more than other years but maybe not) been one of a great amount of growth for me in many areas of my life: in how I understand myself as a part of a relationship (and being out of one), how I understand myself in terms of my family (and without them), and how I understand myself as an aspiring academic.

with that all said, I must run about and get ready for the evening's celebrations. a happy new year to all and insightful reflections on 2005.

being home

2005-12-30T00:22:00.000-08:00

the petersen girls
Originally uploaded by jlpetersen.

I always have a lot to say about going home. issues of where I feel my 'home' really is, the messiness of my family and our situation and how this is only exacerbated during this holiday season that is all about 'joy,' 'peace,' 'giving,' and the chaotic yet slow pace of life that I just can't always sync up to. nevertheless, as I did not spend the winter holidays with my family in 2004 for the first time, coming home was, in some way, something that I appreciated a bit more.